Friday, March 18, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
"If you limit your choices only to what seems possible or reasonable, you disconnect yourself from what you truly want, and all that is left is compromise." - Robert Fritz
I have always called myself an "extreme tourist". If there is an experience, an opportunity, or an occasion to do something "more" than what is allowed or thought possible, I will take it. This sort of thinking has actually ended in some very unique and sometimes scary situations.
When I was 17, I was cheerleading for the Calgary Stampeders (this was before they became a tits and jiggle show). On one particular occasion, we had been invited to our provincial rival's stadium to cheer for a game. In the early 90's there was still a great deal of rivalry between Calgary and Edmonton sports teams and football was no exception. This evening was "student" night at the stadium and Commonwealth Stadium was filled to capacity. It was louder than ever and as we began cheering in earnest for our team, the fans began to cheer "Calgary Sucks, Calgary Sucks". A positively deafening tone fills the outdoor stadium and as the evening progressed, the cheers turned from "Calgary Sucks" to "Calgary Sluts".
Somewhere around the 3rd quarter a decision was made to remove the Calgary Stampeder Cheerleaders from the field. Fans were belligerent, throwing garbage at us, and creating a very unsafe situation. The Eskimo Cheerteam actually came to our side of the field to help us get off the field safely.
As we were being herded off the field, I looked back and saw that one of the students had "fallen" out of the stands. (Later we would find out that his friends thought it would be funny to push him over the side of the bleachers). Obviously hurt and laying on the ground in agony, I, without thinking ran back to help one of the many fans that had hurled insults at us for 3 quarters of football.
What happened next was amazing. I don't remember the story the way it was told to me, but then, I wasn't focused on the crowd. My only concern was for this young boy who was clearly hurt and no one on the sidelines seemed to notice. My coach told me that she turned to watch me run back the way we came, she called for me and I didn't notice, but she was too afraid to follow me back out to the field. She told me that as I was helping the boy and calling for help in the midst of all the noise, the crowd in the section began to quiet, the insults were gone the garbage wasn't being thrown and the cameras panned to the cheerleader helping the fan on the sidelines. When the team medic came, I immediately remembered the threat to my safety and got up to run back to the change rooms and join my team. Instead, I was met with a standing ovation from grateful fans.
"Ben" and I were photographed for the Edmonton Sun the next day. His leg was broken and he was grateful to me for the support I gave him.
How ironic that 2 months later, I would be laying on the frozen field of Commonwealth Stadium with a fractured ankle. This time, the fans did not throw garbage. Instead, they threw their jackets over the railing to keep me warm while we waited for an ambulance (the one on the field was for players only). The fans continued to support me with their applause and words of support as we waited.
I will never know if the fans knew that it was me, or if my actions only two months earlier changed minds, changed hearts, but I'd like to think that the world got just a little better because we choose to not be afraid and do what is right.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
"I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day." - Elwyn Brooks White
Jo Dumont Fitness Training has a new challenge this month based loosely on the game of Life. (http://www.unclesgames.com/product_info.php?ref=3&products_id=596&affiliate_banner_id=1). I was pondering participating in this challenge because I like to be challenged and possibly and more ironically I appear to be challenged by life.
Jo Dumont Fitness Training has a new challenge this month based loosely on the game of Life. (http://www.unclesgames.com/product_info.php?ref=3&products_id=596&affiliate_banner_id=1). I was pondering participating in this challenge because I like to be challenged and possibly and more ironically I appear to be challenged by life.
But it's for that same reason that I likely won't participate in the Game of Life Challenge at Jo Dumont Fitness Training.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
"And I hear them saying you'll never change things, and no matter what you do it's still the same thing. But it's not the world that I am changing. I do this so this world will know that it will not change me." - Garth Brooks "The Change"
One of my closest friends is a 43 year old man who lives half a world away with a beautiful wife and three beautiful children. He has an amazing job and is incredibly successful. From the outside looking in, you would think that he has everything, and yet, every time we speak, send an email or otherwise communicate, he says "thank you for choosing me today." I found this odd because why would he care if someone from Buttfuck, Alberta was his friend?
So I asked him about it one day and he told me that every day that I wake up, I make a choice. I "choose" to be his friend. It isn't something that he can force me to do and that my choice is important to him. That every day we speak, it causes him to want to be a better friend, a better parent, a better husband and that he is grateful for the changes in his life that have happened because of our friendship.
I never really thought about people making a choice to be my friend. I am the sort of girl who used to "buy" my friends, be over accommodating, and determined to be the "best friend ever", when really, the people I call my friend are the ones who choose to be mine every day, not because of what I do for them, but because of what being my friend means to them. I don't want them to choose me because of what I can do, but because being my friend has intrinsic value in their life.
Thank you for choosing me today.
One of my closest friends is a 43 year old man who lives half a world away with a beautiful wife and three beautiful children. He has an amazing job and is incredibly successful. From the outside looking in, you would think that he has everything, and yet, every time we speak, send an email or otherwise communicate, he says "thank you for choosing me today." I found this odd because why would he care if someone from Buttfuck, Alberta was his friend?
So I asked him about it one day and he told me that every day that I wake up, I make a choice. I "choose" to be his friend. It isn't something that he can force me to do and that my choice is important to him. That every day we speak, it causes him to want to be a better friend, a better parent, a better husband and that he is grateful for the changes in his life that have happened because of our friendship.
I never really thought about people making a choice to be my friend. I am the sort of girl who used to "buy" my friends, be over accommodating, and determined to be the "best friend ever", when really, the people I call my friend are the ones who choose to be mine every day, not because of what I do for them, but because of what being my friend means to them. I don't want them to choose me because of what I can do, but because being my friend has intrinsic value in their life.
Thank you for choosing me today.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
"I have always believed, given another chance, I could defeat anyone I had ever lost to, even someone who had defeated me twice." - Rich Franklin
Happy New Year and all that...once again and hopefully for the last time I will apologize for my extended absence from blogging. Let me see if I can catch everyone up:
I am going to Las Vegas! Hooray. I am going to see UFC 126 where Rich Franklin is the co-main event fighting Forrest Griffin. The main event is Anderson (hate your guts) Silva fighting Victor (kick Silva's Ass) Belfort, but I am not as interested in that event.
I am all about Rich Franklin. I think not only is he a tremendous fighter, but he is also a tremendous person who has a kind heart and treats his fans well. I had the awesome pleasure of meeting him a few years ago, and truly, he gave me his complete and undivided attention. There was no attitude, no "look at me", just a really honest individual who is grateful for the opportunities that life has given him.
Now don't get me wrong, but I LOVE this man. I sit on the edge of my seat for every one of his fights, I am elated when he wins, and devestated when he loses. I had a great email chat with his wife today and if she doesn't think I'm a total lunatic and stalker, I may meet her when I'm in Vegas next month.
Always looking for the next great life experience!
Happy New Year and all that...once again and hopefully for the last time I will apologize for my extended absence from blogging. Let me see if I can catch everyone up:
- My boss was diagnosed with colon cancer - bad news
- Potential opening for Interim Executive Director position - good news
- Potential position thwarted by evil boss off on sick leave - bad news
- New boss is previous peer - good news
- New boss has quite a swelled head about the new position - bad news.
- My aunt, after a long battle with cancer passes away - good news/bad news
- My brother doesn't speak to me at the funeral - good news/bad news
- My cousin's father-in-law passes away unexpectedly - bad news
- It's Christmas - good news
- My mom and dad come out for Boxing Day - good news
- Had a great new years with most of the cast of JDFT that I see most often - good news
- Back at work after a week off - bad news
- Work seems to be okay - good news
- Rock Star at JDFT - good news
- Workouts slow down in new year - bad news
- Work isn't so bad this week - good news
I am going to Las Vegas! Hooray. I am going to see UFC 126 where Rich Franklin is the co-main event fighting Forrest Griffin. The main event is Anderson (hate your guts) Silva fighting Victor (kick Silva's Ass) Belfort, but I am not as interested in that event.
I am all about Rich Franklin. I think not only is he a tremendous fighter, but he is also a tremendous person who has a kind heart and treats his fans well. I had the awesome pleasure of meeting him a few years ago, and truly, he gave me his complete and undivided attention. There was no attitude, no "look at me", just a really honest individual who is grateful for the opportunities that life has given him.
Now don't get me wrong, but I LOVE this man. I sit on the edge of my seat for every one of his fights, I am elated when he wins, and devestated when he loses. I had a great email chat with his wife today and if she doesn't think I'm a total lunatic and stalker, I may meet her when I'm in Vegas next month.
Always looking for the next great life experience!
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
"Your chances of success in any undertaking can always be measured by your belief in yourself." - Robert Collier
It never ceases to amaze me when I come back to post on my blog to find that it's been two weeks since I sat down to write. I apologize to all of you who follow so diligently. I promise, I'm not blog-cheating on you.
My life has had a inordinate number of changes in the last month. Some of them my doing, some of them not, but it's been an interesting experience trying to stay on top of everything.
Not all of the changes have been good. My boss as you know left on a medical leave and I was not chosen to be her replacement. It was a good lesson in grace and courage under fire, even if it still stings a little bit.
My aunt, passed away last week and 5 days later a member of my very extended family passed away as well. In a terrible turn of events, this meant that some of my younger cousins lost a grandma and a grandpa in the week before Christmas.
That said, there have also been some really good changes. As you may recall, on November 25, 2010, I started on my goal to not eat inside a restaurant or fast food location until January 1, 2011. I can tell you that 28 days later, I am only 10 days away from my goal.
But the BIGGEST change, has been to my work out and fitness goals. Since the end of November, I have started running on my treadmill more regularly and working out sometimes twice a day. The end result of this has, shockingly, not been weight loss, as much as it has been a loss of inches. I can celebrate the loss of two inches on my ass, and two inches on my stomach. Now there are other areas of loss of inches as well, but you get the idea, I am changing, and I'm loving it!
I feel confident walking into the Christmas Season that I can survive without pigging out. I have goals and a plan and I feel good about it.
Tell your friends to go to JDFT, it's so worth it.
It never ceases to amaze me when I come back to post on my blog to find that it's been two weeks since I sat down to write. I apologize to all of you who follow so diligently. I promise, I'm not blog-cheating on you.
My life has had a inordinate number of changes in the last month. Some of them my doing, some of them not, but it's been an interesting experience trying to stay on top of everything.
Not all of the changes have been good. My boss as you know left on a medical leave and I was not chosen to be her replacement. It was a good lesson in grace and courage under fire, even if it still stings a little bit.
My aunt, passed away last week and 5 days later a member of my very extended family passed away as well. In a terrible turn of events, this meant that some of my younger cousins lost a grandma and a grandpa in the week before Christmas.
That said, there have also been some really good changes. As you may recall, on November 25, 2010, I started on my goal to not eat inside a restaurant or fast food location until January 1, 2011. I can tell you that 28 days later, I am only 10 days away from my goal.
But the BIGGEST change, has been to my work out and fitness goals. Since the end of November, I have started running on my treadmill more regularly and working out sometimes twice a day. The end result of this has, shockingly, not been weight loss, as much as it has been a loss of inches. I can celebrate the loss of two inches on my ass, and two inches on my stomach. Now there are other areas of loss of inches as well, but you get the idea, I am changing, and I'm loving it!
I feel confident walking into the Christmas Season that I can survive without pigging out. I have goals and a plan and I feel good about it.
Tell your friends to go to JDFT, it's so worth it.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
"I know not how I may seem to others, but to myself I am but a small child wandering upon the vast shores of knowledge, every now and then, finding a small bright pebble to content myself with" - Plato
A few years ago, my daughter and I were in Vancouver visiting family. On this particular day, we went to the shore where the tide had gone out, leaving all sorts of small tide pools, full of life and exploration. A great thing for a four year old. We walked and walked and walked while my daughter ran from pool to pool, getting her dress soaked from bottom to top, feet in every pool, peering deep into the water for the smallest signs of life.
What we found most often, was not a sign of life, but crabs, dead crabs, littering the beach that we walked on. My daughter would run up to each one and point and yell at the top of her lungs "CRAB ALERT". At one point, she finally gained the courage to start picking up these dead smelly crabs, and then screamed in horror as the one crab she picked up, seemed to fall apart right in her hands, long stringy bits of crab - we still laugh about that today.
I don't wish to be younger, I don't mind being who I am, but I miss the simpler wonderments of life, where I'm just not tired by life in general.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you have decided to look beyond the imperfections." - Anonymous
I am a classic over-acheiver, the word "no" has never really been in my vocabulary and have a lot of success at whatever I put my mind to. I've been hearing "no" a lot lately.
It's not that I expect the world to be perfect, but I do hold myself to a higher standard. I want to be perfect, I want to always strive for perfection - does this mean that I'm not ever going to be truly happy?
I was passed over for an opportunity at work. To be clear, this is only the second career-related rejection that I have ever had. Well three if you count that I wasn't the first choice candidate for the position I currently have. So if all of my rejections have occurred in the last few years, what does this mean? Is it that the people in this particular industry do not know the value of what I can do? Does it mean that I'm getting to be "too old?" Have I set my goal higher than what I can acheive?
Now don't get me wrong, I have a good job, I get paid well and I have a lot of flexibility which allows me to have a good home life. All of these things are important to me. I never thoought about doing more or being more until I started in this job. Until I started having more and more responsibility and a boss who said that if she ever left her job I would be an excellent choice as a replacement, the concept of being more than a superior assistant never even crossed my mind.
I was happy being the best at what I do, so I need to figure out how to get back to happy. See this moment, this time as merely an imperfection in life, not an imperfection in me.
Shit this is hard...
I am a classic over-acheiver, the word "no" has never really been in my vocabulary and have a lot of success at whatever I put my mind to. I've been hearing "no" a lot lately.
It's not that I expect the world to be perfect, but I do hold myself to a higher standard. I want to be perfect, I want to always strive for perfection - does this mean that I'm not ever going to be truly happy?
I was passed over for an opportunity at work. To be clear, this is only the second career-related rejection that I have ever had. Well three if you count that I wasn't the first choice candidate for the position I currently have. So if all of my rejections have occurred in the last few years, what does this mean? Is it that the people in this particular industry do not know the value of what I can do? Does it mean that I'm getting to be "too old?" Have I set my goal higher than what I can acheive?
Now don't get me wrong, I have a good job, I get paid well and I have a lot of flexibility which allows me to have a good home life. All of these things are important to me. I never thoought about doing more or being more until I started in this job. Until I started having more and more responsibility and a boss who said that if she ever left her job I would be an excellent choice as a replacement, the concept of being more than a superior assistant never even crossed my mind.
I was happy being the best at what I do, so I need to figure out how to get back to happy. See this moment, this time as merely an imperfection in life, not an imperfection in me.
Shit this is hard...
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
"If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get." - Frank A. Clark
I have a strange gift. It's not a gift that I like to use and more often than not I have to be careful when I do use it. I call my gift "the ability to put power to words." But this isn't a postiive gift, I can't say something like "I'm going to win the lottery." and it happens, in fact, it is quite the opposite.
Example one:
I was working in Red Deer many years ago and I could not for the life of me print a document. So I emailed the document to my husband. When he brought me the document at the end of the day I said "oh, is that your pink slip?" We laughed. Less than 18 hours later, my husband was being walked out of his office.
Example two:
As my husband and I were driving home after example 1, I commented "don't worry, we are in good shape, I can manage the rent and it's not like we have car problems or anything." Not more than 15 minutes later, the differential goes on our car.
Example three:
A friend and I were having lunch about a year ago. We were talking about our dogs, both which at that time were already quite old. We discussed that it wouldn't be long before our dogs were gone. I commented "I think your dog has a lot of years in him yet, he'll be here for a while yet." That afternoon her dog just fell over dead in th backyard.
Example four:
I put my wedding ring on six weeks before my wedding, at the advice of my jeweller who insisted that I wear it a couple of days to make sure the sizing was right. A friend of mine told me that it was bad luck to wear the ring before my wedding. I laughed and said "I don't beleive in bad luck." That afternoon my photographer quit, I had a car accident on the way to meeting a new photographer that evening, and two days later I had to ask my maid of honor to step down.
When things go wrong in life, as they sometimes do I often find myself asking "what did I forget to be grateful for?" and more often than not, when I start focusing on what is good in my life, and remember to be grateful for the good things I do have, things tend to turn themselves around.
I have a strange gift. It's not a gift that I like to use and more often than not I have to be careful when I do use it. I call my gift "the ability to put power to words." But this isn't a postiive gift, I can't say something like "I'm going to win the lottery." and it happens, in fact, it is quite the opposite.
Example one:
I was working in Red Deer many years ago and I could not for the life of me print a document. So I emailed the document to my husband. When he brought me the document at the end of the day I said "oh, is that your pink slip?" We laughed. Less than 18 hours later, my husband was being walked out of his office.
Example two:
As my husband and I were driving home after example 1, I commented "don't worry, we are in good shape, I can manage the rent and it's not like we have car problems or anything." Not more than 15 minutes later, the differential goes on our car.
Example three:
A friend and I were having lunch about a year ago. We were talking about our dogs, both which at that time were already quite old. We discussed that it wouldn't be long before our dogs were gone. I commented "I think your dog has a lot of years in him yet, he'll be here for a while yet." That afternoon her dog just fell over dead in th backyard.
Example four:
I put my wedding ring on six weeks before my wedding, at the advice of my jeweller who insisted that I wear it a couple of days to make sure the sizing was right. A friend of mine told me that it was bad luck to wear the ring before my wedding. I laughed and said "I don't beleive in bad luck." That afternoon my photographer quit, I had a car accident on the way to meeting a new photographer that evening, and two days later I had to ask my maid of honor to step down.
When things go wrong in life, as they sometimes do I often find myself asking "what did I forget to be grateful for?" and more often than not, when I start focusing on what is good in my life, and remember to be grateful for the good things I do have, things tend to turn themselves around.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010 - The Promise
It is one month until Christmas and I make the following pledge:
I will not eat out in a restaurant, unless it is Christmas Party related until the New Year.
Who's with me?
I will not eat out in a restaurant, unless it is Christmas Party related until the New Year.
Who's with me?
Thursday, November 25, 2010
"You've changed so much. I guess that's what happens. I wish you knew how much you changed me. I wonder if I changed you, if your life is different because of me. Because mine's different. My God, you taught me so much and now we don't even talk to each other. I guess that's what happens." - Unknown
I had training with Jo today. She said that I had to update my blog because my last blog was just so depressing to see up there first every day. I appreciate that she looks back to my blog once in a while.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret. It's not something that I share with a lot of people, but when I do, I'm pretty candid about it: I do not like most people.
I do need to preface this a little bit. You see, people, as a whole, are falliable. People are going to let you down - this is a simple fact of life. People will fail you. Now, I am just as guilty as the rest of you, I have failed people. I have said that I would show up, only to call last minute and cancel. I have told a secret that wasn't mine to share. I have hurt people, however unintentionally, with the best of intentions in mind. I am not perfect, nor do I expect other people to be perfect. However, I have had my share of failures, of disappointments, and countless times I have been rejected by my peers.
It is probably not suprising then, that I would choose to not like most people. But this choice, is out of protection, not because I think that all humans are bad, but because I like to minimize the amount of investment I make to people who are going to let me down. I choose to keep my circle small to people that I can count on, people that do what they say they are going to do. Why? Because it hurts less when they let you down. People that generally do what they say they are going to do are dependable, and they get a lot of credit in the integrity bank account that I have set up for them, when they disappoint me, they might lose a little interest, but by and large they remain in good standing. But more importantly, people who do what they say they are going to do, help me to be accountable right back at them. I want my integrity bank to be just as full, if not more full with them.
People will always let you down at some point, I just choose to be picky about who I will accept that from. Are you in my inner circle? How is your integrity bank account?
I had training with Jo today. She said that I had to update my blog because my last blog was just so depressing to see up there first every day. I appreciate that she looks back to my blog once in a while.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret. It's not something that I share with a lot of people, but when I do, I'm pretty candid about it: I do not like most people.
I do need to preface this a little bit. You see, people, as a whole, are falliable. People are going to let you down - this is a simple fact of life. People will fail you. Now, I am just as guilty as the rest of you, I have failed people. I have said that I would show up, only to call last minute and cancel. I have told a secret that wasn't mine to share. I have hurt people, however unintentionally, with the best of intentions in mind. I am not perfect, nor do I expect other people to be perfect. However, I have had my share of failures, of disappointments, and countless times I have been rejected by my peers.
It is probably not suprising then, that I would choose to not like most people. But this choice, is out of protection, not because I think that all humans are bad, but because I like to minimize the amount of investment I make to people who are going to let me down. I choose to keep my circle small to people that I can count on, people that do what they say they are going to do. Why? Because it hurts less when they let you down. People that generally do what they say they are going to do are dependable, and they get a lot of credit in the integrity bank account that I have set up for them, when they disappoint me, they might lose a little interest, but by and large they remain in good standing. But more importantly, people who do what they say they are going to do, help me to be accountable right back at them. I want my integrity bank to be just as full, if not more full with them.
People will always let you down at some point, I just choose to be picky about who I will accept that from. Are you in my inner circle? How is your integrity bank account?
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Monday, November 16, 2010
"Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowin how to live with insecurity is the only security." - John Allen Paulos
If there is anything that I learned today, it's this: nothing is about me.
I have always been a proponent of the philosophy that if you don't like something, change it. If you don't like something and you fail to make a change, you have lost the right to complain about it. (Sort of stems into the reason that I don't vote and don't complain about government - but that's a whole other blog.)
Change is good, change is growth. I have devoted my entire blog to the concept of change, personal change, professional change, changes in relationships. I like change. I am an agent of change. I am just not good at change when it affects me and I have no inflluence over outcomes.
My boss is leaving for at least six months on a medical leave. Scary stuff. In fact, there is a possibility she may not come back to work. Her story really isn't mine to tell, but it does explain that there is a huge unknown right infront of me and until someone tells me what is in the distance, there is little I can do.
So, I make a plan in my head, I know what needs to be done, I have been doing my boss' job for sometime and have a good head on my shoulders about where the business operations are at. I would make an excellent manager...but as it is you can't trust anyone. Someone who says they have your back and will endorse you - when in fact they endorse a colleague.
I'm too fucking mad to continue this blog today.
If there is anything that I learned today, it's this: nothing is about me.
I have always been a proponent of the philosophy that if you don't like something, change it. If you don't like something and you fail to make a change, you have lost the right to complain about it. (Sort of stems into the reason that I don't vote and don't complain about government - but that's a whole other blog.)
Change is good, change is growth. I have devoted my entire blog to the concept of change, personal change, professional change, changes in relationships. I like change. I am an agent of change. I am just not good at change when it affects me and I have no inflluence over outcomes.
My boss is leaving for at least six months on a medical leave. Scary stuff. In fact, there is a possibility she may not come back to work. Her story really isn't mine to tell, but it does explain that there is a huge unknown right infront of me and until someone tells me what is in the distance, there is little I can do.
So, I make a plan in my head, I know what needs to be done, I have been doing my boss' job for sometime and have a good head on my shoulders about where the business operations are at. I would make an excellent manager...but as it is you can't trust anyone. Someone who says they have your back and will endorse you - when in fact they endorse a colleague.
I'm too fucking mad to continue this blog today.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
"For some moments in life there are no words." - David Seltzer (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)
Friday, November 12, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." - Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan (Annie)
Today I said goodbye to my very best friend. Don't tell anyone, but my very best friend had four legs and a tail that wouldn't quit. I think it might offend a few people to know that yes, I loved my dog more than most people in the world.
At 17, Cocoa lived longer than anyone thought he might. He had boundless energy and people were always surprised to find out that he was as old as he was. Even in his last days he would race around the house like an idiot, his ears pinned back to his head, faster than the wind. He had been deaf for sometime, and I often joked about coming home and holding a mirror up to his nose when I came home from work. He was a good dog...no, he was the best.
We had a particularly bad weekend with Cocoa, he wasn't feeling well it was clear, but it appeared to be nothing more than having eaten something that didn't agree with him. He still had a lot of energy and didn't mind a little rough housing.
This morning was different, he had fallen and couldn't get back up. He laid there, with a defeated look in his eyes as he relieved himself all over the floor.
We all wish that our beloved pets could die peacefully in their dog beds, curled up and happy dreaming of giant-sized dog bones and chasing cars. But the reality is not many dogs actually get to go that way. This morning was the defining moment that said "it's time to stop being selfish and let him go."
I brought him to the vet and stayed until the very end. He didn't fuss, he didn't argue, he had the resignation in his eyes that this was the time. He fell asleep in my arms and I felt him leave - it was so much faster than I expected as if somehow I needed more time to tell him just what he meant to me, that he was a good, the best anyone could have and that I wasn't sure if he knew that I loved him so much.
There is just never enough time to tell someone you love them.
Today I said goodbye to my very best friend. Don't tell anyone, but my very best friend had four legs and a tail that wouldn't quit. I think it might offend a few people to know that yes, I loved my dog more than most people in the world.
At 17, Cocoa lived longer than anyone thought he might. He had boundless energy and people were always surprised to find out that he was as old as he was. Even in his last days he would race around the house like an idiot, his ears pinned back to his head, faster than the wind. He had been deaf for sometime, and I often joked about coming home and holding a mirror up to his nose when I came home from work. He was a good dog...no, he was the best.
We had a particularly bad weekend with Cocoa, he wasn't feeling well it was clear, but it appeared to be nothing more than having eaten something that didn't agree with him. He still had a lot of energy and didn't mind a little rough housing.
This morning was different, he had fallen and couldn't get back up. He laid there, with a defeated look in his eyes as he relieved himself all over the floor.
We all wish that our beloved pets could die peacefully in their dog beds, curled up and happy dreaming of giant-sized dog bones and chasing cars. But the reality is not many dogs actually get to go that way. This morning was the defining moment that said "it's time to stop being selfish and let him go."
I brought him to the vet and stayed until the very end. He didn't fuss, he didn't argue, he had the resignation in his eyes that this was the time. He fell asleep in my arms and I felt him leave - it was so much faster than I expected as if somehow I needed more time to tell him just what he meant to me, that he was a good, the best anyone could have and that I wasn't sure if he knew that I loved him so much.
There is just never enough time to tell someone you love them.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
"We all live in suspense from day to day In other words, you are the hero of your own story." - Mary McCarthy
Remembrance Day. My daughter calls it a Remembrance Day Celebration. I think somewhere along the way the lines got crossed - isn't Remembrance Day supposed to be a solemn occasion? An opportunity to reflect and remember those who gave their lives for us? What is there to celebrate?
My grandfather was a new father during World War II. During the occupation of the Netherlands, my grandmother had to prepare meals, do laundry, and repair clothes of German soldiers who took up residence in their home. My grandfather rode his bicycle to work every day and had German soldiers take target practice on the wheels of his bike. They hid their expensive jewellery and items of value in pig manure so that the Germans wouldn't steal them, never said a negative word about the war and actually corresponded with some of the men after the war. Interestingly enough, my grandparents never told me that they were scared or that at anytime they thought their lives were in danger. They simply did what was required of them and now, nearly 100 years old, they both reflect on those days.
My grandfather did not want to fight in the war. Not because he supported what was happening but because he didn't want to die. He had a new wife, a new baby and another on the way, why would anyone want to willingly march off to die?
At the Draft Office, if you didnt' want to fight in the war and you told the draft clerks, they put you on the list to be deployed immediately. If you walked up to the man in charge and said "Put me on the front line, I'm ready to go kill some people!", more often than not they would find a reason not to draft you at all. My grandfather, wise to this, marched up and said "I'm ready to fight" and they told him he had a "chicken chest" and was not military material. It took me a lot of years to understand this concept - but the fact is, even in wars, no one actually wants to kill each other. There is a lot of political grand-standing, but once you're the person looking in the whites of the eyes of another man, you get another perspective.
I don't know what it is like to live in fear. I don't know what it is like wondering each day if it will be my last. There is a lot I take for granted because of what other people did long before I was around. I think these people are my heros.
I don't know what it is like to have to leave my family and be deployed to another country. I don't know what a machine gun feels like in my hand. I am grateful for the people that do not have the comforts of home today so that I may enjoy mine. These people are my heros.
My grandfather, who had the sense of mind to preserve his life so that I could be here today. He is my hero.
To Sgt. Randy Baez and Specialist Brandon Lee to whom I write faithfully while they are on tour in Iraq, thank you continuing to do what many of us can not. Thank you for sacrificing your life so that we can continue to believe in the rights and freedoms that we have. You are my heroes.
Perhaps Remembrance Day isn't a celebration, but it is a time to pay homage to those who gave their lives for us and for those that continue to do so. I hope that we never take our freedoms for granted because there are still people serving today to ensure that we continue to be free.
Remembrance Day. My daughter calls it a Remembrance Day Celebration. I think somewhere along the way the lines got crossed - isn't Remembrance Day supposed to be a solemn occasion? An opportunity to reflect and remember those who gave their lives for us? What is there to celebrate?
My grandfather was a new father during World War II. During the occupation of the Netherlands, my grandmother had to prepare meals, do laundry, and repair clothes of German soldiers who took up residence in their home. My grandfather rode his bicycle to work every day and had German soldiers take target practice on the wheels of his bike. They hid their expensive jewellery and items of value in pig manure so that the Germans wouldn't steal them, never said a negative word about the war and actually corresponded with some of the men after the war. Interestingly enough, my grandparents never told me that they were scared or that at anytime they thought their lives were in danger. They simply did what was required of them and now, nearly 100 years old, they both reflect on those days.
My grandfather did not want to fight in the war. Not because he supported what was happening but because he didn't want to die. He had a new wife, a new baby and another on the way, why would anyone want to willingly march off to die?
At the Draft Office, if you didnt' want to fight in the war and you told the draft clerks, they put you on the list to be deployed immediately. If you walked up to the man in charge and said "Put me on the front line, I'm ready to go kill some people!", more often than not they would find a reason not to draft you at all. My grandfather, wise to this, marched up and said "I'm ready to fight" and they told him he had a "chicken chest" and was not military material. It took me a lot of years to understand this concept - but the fact is, even in wars, no one actually wants to kill each other. There is a lot of political grand-standing, but once you're the person looking in the whites of the eyes of another man, you get another perspective.
I don't know what it is like to live in fear. I don't know what it is like wondering each day if it will be my last. There is a lot I take for granted because of what other people did long before I was around. I think these people are my heros.
I don't know what it is like to have to leave my family and be deployed to another country. I don't know what a machine gun feels like in my hand. I am grateful for the people that do not have the comforts of home today so that I may enjoy mine. These people are my heros.
My grandfather, who had the sense of mind to preserve his life so that I could be here today. He is my hero.
To Sgt. Randy Baez and Specialist Brandon Lee to whom I write faithfully while they are on tour in Iraq, thank you continuing to do what many of us can not. Thank you for sacrificing your life so that we can continue to believe in the rights and freedoms that we have. You are my heroes.
Perhaps Remembrance Day isn't a celebration, but it is a time to pay homage to those who gave their lives for us and for those that continue to do so. I hope that we never take our freedoms for granted because there are still people serving today to ensure that we continue to be free.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
"It's good for everybody to hurt somebody once in a while. The things I do to people I love shouldn't be allowed." - Counting Crows (Chelsea)
We grow up learning that hurting other people is bad. From the first time we bite our breast feeding mothers to the first pinch, to the first playground fight, the first fight at a party, the first incarceration. Physicians take the Hippocratic Oath which unequivocally states "I will prescribe regimens for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgment and never do harm to anyone." So how is it, in this day and age that we still go out and hurt people?
What I choose to believe is that no one intentionally hurts anyone. Yes, there are those people who are full of malicious intent and go out of their way to hurt others but by and large, we all try to be kind to people as best we can.
My daughter came home from school the other day. She's six and had her first real lesson in sportsmanship. Seems that in gym class she was on a team that lost 2 out of 3 times (since a tie is like a win). The other team took great delight in taunting the losing team for the rest of the day until the teacher intervened and gave the "it's not whether you win or lose" speech (insert supplemental eye roll here) but that was of no consolation to my daughter. You see, she wasn't upset about losing, she was upset that people continued to hurt her feelings for sometime after the loss.
I had a hard time finding the right words to talk to my daughter about this. I mean, I truly believe that I am 100% responsible for my own feelings and reactions to others, but how do you coach a 6 year old on this concept?
I started thinking about conversations that I had with other people in my life. I've built a career based on honesty, I don't generally beat around the bush very well and pretty much call the shots the way I see them. So how many times have I hurt someone by not choosing my words carefully? What actions have I taken that have upset someone else?
After some careful thought, I asked my daughter how those children who won made her feel. She looked up at me with big doe eyes and said "They made me feel bad. They made me feel like a loser." I knelt down beside her and said, "I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt today, but do you know what you'll say if you are on the winning team next time?" to which she replied "I'm going to thank them for a good game!"
I think it's good for people to hurt somebody once in a while. Perhaps if we remember what it feels like to be hurt, we'll spend more time being aware of how our words and actions may hurt others. A different spin on the golden rule?
We grow up learning that hurting other people is bad. From the first time we bite our breast feeding mothers to the first pinch, to the first playground fight, the first fight at a party, the first incarceration. Physicians take the Hippocratic Oath which unequivocally states "I will prescribe regimens for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgment and never do harm to anyone." So how is it, in this day and age that we still go out and hurt people?
What I choose to believe is that no one intentionally hurts anyone. Yes, there are those people who are full of malicious intent and go out of their way to hurt others but by and large, we all try to be kind to people as best we can.
My daughter came home from school the other day. She's six and had her first real lesson in sportsmanship. Seems that in gym class she was on a team that lost 2 out of 3 times (since a tie is like a win). The other team took great delight in taunting the losing team for the rest of the day until the teacher intervened and gave the "it's not whether you win or lose" speech (insert supplemental eye roll here) but that was of no consolation to my daughter. You see, she wasn't upset about losing, she was upset that people continued to hurt her feelings for sometime after the loss.
I had a hard time finding the right words to talk to my daughter about this. I mean, I truly believe that I am 100% responsible for my own feelings and reactions to others, but how do you coach a 6 year old on this concept?
I started thinking about conversations that I had with other people in my life. I've built a career based on honesty, I don't generally beat around the bush very well and pretty much call the shots the way I see them. So how many times have I hurt someone by not choosing my words carefully? What actions have I taken that have upset someone else?
After some careful thought, I asked my daughter how those children who won made her feel. She looked up at me with big doe eyes and said "They made me feel bad. They made me feel like a loser." I knelt down beside her and said, "I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt today, but do you know what you'll say if you are on the winning team next time?" to which she replied "I'm going to thank them for a good game!"
I think it's good for people to hurt somebody once in a while. Perhaps if we remember what it feels like to be hurt, we'll spend more time being aware of how our words and actions may hurt others. A different spin on the golden rule?
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
"Man who waits for roast duck to fly into mouth must wait very, very long time." - Unknown
For all of you regular readers, you know that I generally put some sort of quote that relates to how I'm feeling in my blog. Today's quote has nothing to do with how I'm feeling - or so I thought....
My first thought was "Yeah, every wife could say this to their husband at some point!" But then I did this weird thing...I started looking at the "deeper meaning" behind this Confucious-esque quotation. And I think...I think that what it might actually be telling me is "Shelley, if you want something done, get off your ass and do it, no one else is going to do it for you!"
I have a vein in my forehead. This isn't like any other vein in my body. This vein will actually "pop out" of my forehead when I'm pushed far enough. Generally this frustration has built up over time while I have been waiting for someone else to get something done. "Can you take a look at this document and provide me with revisions, please?" "Can you take out the garbage, please?" "Are you able to...." and I wait.
My husband was actually very good at this game. He would wait until he saw the vein start throbbing before he would do something I asked of him. Then, right before it was about to blow, he would get up and get started on whatever was required of him. (The solution to this of course is to actually let the vein pop out and unleash a holy terror of expletives and feelings of under-appreciation - I completely recommend this avenue to anyone)
Let me be honest though, I don't typically ask a lot of people. I am a firm believer that if I think that I am going to do it better than someone else, don't ask them to do it. There is nothing more cruel that you can do to someone then ask them to do something and the redo it after they've done it. It does nothing to build trust or self esteem in any relationship - and since I generally have a good idea in my head of what I want done, I don't ask for someone else to do it for me.
The flip side of that, however, is that I am ridiculously accommodating, if someone asks me to do something, I'll do whatever I can. Even when I tell someone I don't have the time or resources to lend to a project, if they come back to me and word it even just a little bit different, I'm likely to find time in my schedule to accommodate the request. Even if it makes my vein pop out.
The problem with this, is that I have sort of created my own monster. People have come to rely on me, in fact they rely on me to the point where I feel taken advantage of. Perhaps they know they are taking advantage or perhaps they don't know.
What I do know is that I am more than willing to roast my own duck. The question is...are you?
For all of you regular readers, you know that I generally put some sort of quote that relates to how I'm feeling in my blog. Today's quote has nothing to do with how I'm feeling - or so I thought....
My first thought was "Yeah, every wife could say this to their husband at some point!" But then I did this weird thing...I started looking at the "deeper meaning" behind this Confucious-esque quotation. And I think...I think that what it might actually be telling me is "Shelley, if you want something done, get off your ass and do it, no one else is going to do it for you!"
I have a vein in my forehead. This isn't like any other vein in my body. This vein will actually "pop out" of my forehead when I'm pushed far enough. Generally this frustration has built up over time while I have been waiting for someone else to get something done. "Can you take a look at this document and provide me with revisions, please?" "Can you take out the garbage, please?" "Are you able to...." and I wait.
My husband was actually very good at this game. He would wait until he saw the vein start throbbing before he would do something I asked of him. Then, right before it was about to blow, he would get up and get started on whatever was required of him. (The solution to this of course is to actually let the vein pop out and unleash a holy terror of expletives and feelings of under-appreciation - I completely recommend this avenue to anyone)
Let me be honest though, I don't typically ask a lot of people. I am a firm believer that if I think that I am going to do it better than someone else, don't ask them to do it. There is nothing more cruel that you can do to someone then ask them to do something and the redo it after they've done it. It does nothing to build trust or self esteem in any relationship - and since I generally have a good idea in my head of what I want done, I don't ask for someone else to do it for me.
The flip side of that, however, is that I am ridiculously accommodating, if someone asks me to do something, I'll do whatever I can. Even when I tell someone I don't have the time or resources to lend to a project, if they come back to me and word it even just a little bit different, I'm likely to find time in my schedule to accommodate the request. Even if it makes my vein pop out.
The problem with this, is that I have sort of created my own monster. People have come to rely on me, in fact they rely on me to the point where I feel taken advantage of. Perhaps they know they are taking advantage or perhaps they don't know.
What I do know is that I am more than willing to roast my own duck. The question is...are you?
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." - Buddah
I have been loathing myself the last couple of weeks. While I was away on vacation, I caught a bug and haven't worked out in two weeks. I'm pretty discouraged, but I will say that Jo has remained in close contact and has continued to be a source of encouragement - who could ask for a better friend and trainer?
I have really struggled with putting this particular blog together and I'm not sure why. I wonder a little if it is the on-going struggle that women have as a whole accepting that they are deserving of love and affection and more importantly that it's okay to love ourselves and treat ourselves with dignity and affection.
When did we learn to put ourselves in second place? Who taught us that our feelings were not as important as someone else? Why is it so hard for us to love ourselves?
I was always afraid of being alone. That if I said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing I would be left by myself. I defined myself with the company of others and was always devastated when they didn't value the relationship as much as I did.
When I was 18, I met this most amazing boy. Handsome, popular, confident, he was everything that I thought I wanted - and incredibly, he seemed to be in to me too! We crashed together and blew apart in epic proportions for two years. When he moved away to Grand Cayman. I followed him there with the idea that we would be together forever. When I got there, he told me about his girlfriend on the island, the stewardess that would fly in every couple of weeks, and of all things, the fiancee he had back in Calgary!
What happened next was really amazing. I was scheduled to be on the island for 3 weeks. I packed up my bags after five days and moved in with a bunch of guys that ran a local dive shop. I wound up staying on the island for 5 months and turned into a completely different person. I worked at the dive shop, got PADI certified and spent every day on the ocean. Cathartic, perhaps, what I know is that one night, at 2am in the morning wheeling my luggage down a broken paved road, wild pack dogs following me as I walked along the beach to my new home, I had taken ownership of me. I wouldn't be defined by someone who didn't value me and I never would again.
I confess it's not been an easy road and my occasional love/hate relationship with me has been challenging, but at 37 years old, 17 years after that life-defining moment I can proudly say that I have the voice to put myself first when I need to, I have the esteem to stand up for what I believe in, and I love myself enough to know that I can stand alone if I have to.
I'm just really glad I don't.
(as an aside, I ran into "that boy" two years later, the day after I got engaged to my now husband of 13 years. As Garth Brooks once said "sometimes I thank God, for unanswered prayers.)
I have been loathing myself the last couple of weeks. While I was away on vacation, I caught a bug and haven't worked out in two weeks. I'm pretty discouraged, but I will say that Jo has remained in close contact and has continued to be a source of encouragement - who could ask for a better friend and trainer?
I have really struggled with putting this particular blog together and I'm not sure why. I wonder a little if it is the on-going struggle that women have as a whole accepting that they are deserving of love and affection and more importantly that it's okay to love ourselves and treat ourselves with dignity and affection.
When did we learn to put ourselves in second place? Who taught us that our feelings were not as important as someone else? Why is it so hard for us to love ourselves?
I was always afraid of being alone. That if I said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing I would be left by myself. I defined myself with the company of others and was always devastated when they didn't value the relationship as much as I did.
When I was 18, I met this most amazing boy. Handsome, popular, confident, he was everything that I thought I wanted - and incredibly, he seemed to be in to me too! We crashed together and blew apart in epic proportions for two years. When he moved away to Grand Cayman. I followed him there with the idea that we would be together forever. When I got there, he told me about his girlfriend on the island, the stewardess that would fly in every couple of weeks, and of all things, the fiancee he had back in Calgary!
What happened next was really amazing. I was scheduled to be on the island for 3 weeks. I packed up my bags after five days and moved in with a bunch of guys that ran a local dive shop. I wound up staying on the island for 5 months and turned into a completely different person. I worked at the dive shop, got PADI certified and spent every day on the ocean. Cathartic, perhaps, what I know is that one night, at 2am in the morning wheeling my luggage down a broken paved road, wild pack dogs following me as I walked along the beach to my new home, I had taken ownership of me. I wouldn't be defined by someone who didn't value me and I never would again.
I confess it's not been an easy road and my occasional love/hate relationship with me has been challenging, but at 37 years old, 17 years after that life-defining moment I can proudly say that I have the voice to put myself first when I need to, I have the esteem to stand up for what I believe in, and I love myself enough to know that I can stand alone if I have to.
I'm just really glad I don't.
(as an aside, I ran into "that boy" two years later, the day after I got engaged to my now husband of 13 years. As Garth Brooks once said "sometimes I thank God, for unanswered prayers.)
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
"This, this is about my own some-day daughter. When you approach me, already stung-stayed with insecurity, begging, “Mom, will I be pretty? Will I be pretty? , ” I will wipe that question from your mouth like cheap lipstick and answer no.
The word pretty is unworthy of everything you will be, and no child of mine will be contained in five letters. You will be pretty intelligent, pretty creative, pretty amazing, but you will never be merely “pretty.” - Katie Makkai (see the entire poem at http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/pretty-19/)
I was an unfortunately ugly child. I can say this with some authority since I was there, and I remember everything that ever made me feel less than beautiful. The short boy-cut hairstyles that my aunt used to give me, the glasses that were so thick and heavy they pulled my ears forward like cab doors, the hand-me-down clothes that never fit quite right or were given to me just as they went out of style...
I was four the first time my parents took me to Hawaii. For those of you who have never been, in Hawaii, you are often greeted with a lei of flowers given to you by either a male or female native Hawaiian - depending on your gender, if you were boy you would go the female greeter, if you were a girl, subsequently you would go to the male. I was so ugly when I was four that even in a skirt and a shirt that said "Hawaiian Princess", I was often shuttled to the female greeter.
I have countless scars from my childhood related to my appearance, from the boy who so cruelly asked me out on a date and when I accepted said "No thanks, I don't go out with dogs." to the girlfriends who said "You can't hang out with us because Jay and Alex don't think you're pretty enough."
I never had to ask if I would be pretty, I already knew the answer.
In my last year of high school, I had a friend, his name was Rob. Rob went to our school, he had been a rugby player, but joined our cheerteam and cheered with me on the Calgary Stampeders Cheerteam. He used to drive me to the city of practice and one day we were talking about the end of high school and he told me:
"You know Shelley, when you were in Grade 10, you were barely noticeable. In Grade 11, it was like "oh hey, there's Shelley", and in Grade 12 it was like "whoa, there's Shelley!" You have truly grown into a beautiful young woman."
A year out of high school I was in a local bar, these two boys sent a drink my way and I went over to them. We hung out for a few hours talking, dancing, having a great time. When it was time to leave the one boy asked if I would go home with him. I looked at him and said "You really don't know who I am, do you.?" He looked confused and when I revealed to them both that I was the same girl they had ridiculed in high school for three years, they looked shocked (faces I still find amusing today). "Fuck, did you ever get HOT." the one boy replied.
My point in all of this, is that I never really got over my youth, I have never looked in the mirror and said "wow, Shelley, you are amazing" I have never viewed myself as one of the "beautiful girls" (and you know who I'm talking about). I still see that little girl in the mirror with the terrible hair cut, the giant looking ears and the horrible lime green leisure suit with the screen on tiger print. I have spent so much of my life chasing some idealistic version of "beautiful" or "hot", that I've made that version too big, too unattainable. Will I ever be comfortable with me? Will I ever see myself the way someone else does? Do I want to?
I do however, know what I will tell my daughter if she ever asks...
The word pretty is unworthy of everything you will be, and no child of mine will be contained in five letters. You will be pretty intelligent, pretty creative, pretty amazing, but you will never be merely “pretty.” - Katie Makkai (see the entire poem at http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/pretty-19/)
I was an unfortunately ugly child. I can say this with some authority since I was there, and I remember everything that ever made me feel less than beautiful. The short boy-cut hairstyles that my aunt used to give me, the glasses that were so thick and heavy they pulled my ears forward like cab doors, the hand-me-down clothes that never fit quite right or were given to me just as they went out of style...
I was four the first time my parents took me to Hawaii. For those of you who have never been, in Hawaii, you are often greeted with a lei of flowers given to you by either a male or female native Hawaiian - depending on your gender, if you were boy you would go the female greeter, if you were a girl, subsequently you would go to the male. I was so ugly when I was four that even in a skirt and a shirt that said "Hawaiian Princess", I was often shuttled to the female greeter.
I have countless scars from my childhood related to my appearance, from the boy who so cruelly asked me out on a date and when I accepted said "No thanks, I don't go out with dogs." to the girlfriends who said "You can't hang out with us because Jay and Alex don't think you're pretty enough."
I never had to ask if I would be pretty, I already knew the answer.
In my last year of high school, I had a friend, his name was Rob. Rob went to our school, he had been a rugby player, but joined our cheerteam and cheered with me on the Calgary Stampeders Cheerteam. He used to drive me to the city of practice and one day we were talking about the end of high school and he told me:
"You know Shelley, when you were in Grade 10, you were barely noticeable. In Grade 11, it was like "oh hey, there's Shelley", and in Grade 12 it was like "whoa, there's Shelley!" You have truly grown into a beautiful young woman."
A year out of high school I was in a local bar, these two boys sent a drink my way and I went over to them. We hung out for a few hours talking, dancing, having a great time. When it was time to leave the one boy asked if I would go home with him. I looked at him and said "You really don't know who I am, do you.?" He looked confused and when I revealed to them both that I was the same girl they had ridiculed in high school for three years, they looked shocked (faces I still find amusing today). "Fuck, did you ever get HOT." the one boy replied.
My point in all of this, is that I never really got over my youth, I have never looked in the mirror and said "wow, Shelley, you are amazing" I have never viewed myself as one of the "beautiful girls" (and you know who I'm talking about). I still see that little girl in the mirror with the terrible hair cut, the giant looking ears and the horrible lime green leisure suit with the screen on tiger print. I have spent so much of my life chasing some idealistic version of "beautiful" or "hot", that I've made that version too big, too unattainable. Will I ever be comfortable with me? Will I ever see myself the way someone else does? Do I want to?
I do however, know what I will tell my daughter if she ever asks...
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