"You've changed so much. I guess that's what happens. I wish you knew how much you changed me. I wonder if I changed you, if your life is different because of me. Because mine's different. My God, you taught me so much and now we don't even talk to each other. I guess that's what happens." - Unknown
I had training with Jo today. She said that I had to update my blog because my last blog was just so depressing to see up there first every day. I appreciate that she looks back to my blog once in a while.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret. It's not something that I share with a lot of people, but when I do, I'm pretty candid about it: I do not like most people.
I do need to preface this a little bit. You see, people, as a whole, are falliable. People are going to let you down - this is a simple fact of life. People will fail you. Now, I am just as guilty as the rest of you, I have failed people. I have said that I would show up, only to call last minute and cancel. I have told a secret that wasn't mine to share. I have hurt people, however unintentionally, with the best of intentions in mind. I am not perfect, nor do I expect other people to be perfect. However, I have had my share of failures, of disappointments, and countless times I have been rejected by my peers.
It is probably not suprising then, that I would choose to not like most people. But this choice, is out of protection, not because I think that all humans are bad, but because I like to minimize the amount of investment I make to people who are going to let me down. I choose to keep my circle small to people that I can count on, people that do what they say they are going to do. Why? Because it hurts less when they let you down. People that generally do what they say they are going to do are dependable, and they get a lot of credit in the integrity bank account that I have set up for them, when they disappoint me, they might lose a little interest, but by and large they remain in good standing. But more importantly, people who do what they say they are going to do, help me to be accountable right back at them. I want my integrity bank to be just as full, if not more full with them.
People will always let you down at some point, I just choose to be picky about who I will accept that from. Are you in my inner circle? How is your integrity bank account?
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Monday, November 16, 2010
"Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowin how to live with insecurity is the only security." - John Allen Paulos
If there is anything that I learned today, it's this: nothing is about me.
I have always been a proponent of the philosophy that if you don't like something, change it. If you don't like something and you fail to make a change, you have lost the right to complain about it. (Sort of stems into the reason that I don't vote and don't complain about government - but that's a whole other blog.)
Change is good, change is growth. I have devoted my entire blog to the concept of change, personal change, professional change, changes in relationships. I like change. I am an agent of change. I am just not good at change when it affects me and I have no inflluence over outcomes.
My boss is leaving for at least six months on a medical leave. Scary stuff. In fact, there is a possibility she may not come back to work. Her story really isn't mine to tell, but it does explain that there is a huge unknown right infront of me and until someone tells me what is in the distance, there is little I can do.
So, I make a plan in my head, I know what needs to be done, I have been doing my boss' job for sometime and have a good head on my shoulders about where the business operations are at. I would make an excellent manager...but as it is you can't trust anyone. Someone who says they have your back and will endorse you - when in fact they endorse a colleague.
I'm too fucking mad to continue this blog today.
If there is anything that I learned today, it's this: nothing is about me.
I have always been a proponent of the philosophy that if you don't like something, change it. If you don't like something and you fail to make a change, you have lost the right to complain about it. (Sort of stems into the reason that I don't vote and don't complain about government - but that's a whole other blog.)
Change is good, change is growth. I have devoted my entire blog to the concept of change, personal change, professional change, changes in relationships. I like change. I am an agent of change. I am just not good at change when it affects me and I have no inflluence over outcomes.
My boss is leaving for at least six months on a medical leave. Scary stuff. In fact, there is a possibility she may not come back to work. Her story really isn't mine to tell, but it does explain that there is a huge unknown right infront of me and until someone tells me what is in the distance, there is little I can do.
So, I make a plan in my head, I know what needs to be done, I have been doing my boss' job for sometime and have a good head on my shoulders about where the business operations are at. I would make an excellent manager...but as it is you can't trust anyone. Someone who says they have your back and will endorse you - when in fact they endorse a colleague.
I'm too fucking mad to continue this blog today.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
"For some moments in life there are no words." - David Seltzer (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)
Friday, November 12, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." - Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan (Annie)
Today I said goodbye to my very best friend. Don't tell anyone, but my very best friend had four legs and a tail that wouldn't quit. I think it might offend a few people to know that yes, I loved my dog more than most people in the world.
At 17, Cocoa lived longer than anyone thought he might. He had boundless energy and people were always surprised to find out that he was as old as he was. Even in his last days he would race around the house like an idiot, his ears pinned back to his head, faster than the wind. He had been deaf for sometime, and I often joked about coming home and holding a mirror up to his nose when I came home from work. He was a good dog...no, he was the best.
We had a particularly bad weekend with Cocoa, he wasn't feeling well it was clear, but it appeared to be nothing more than having eaten something that didn't agree with him. He still had a lot of energy and didn't mind a little rough housing.
This morning was different, he had fallen and couldn't get back up. He laid there, with a defeated look in his eyes as he relieved himself all over the floor.
We all wish that our beloved pets could die peacefully in their dog beds, curled up and happy dreaming of giant-sized dog bones and chasing cars. But the reality is not many dogs actually get to go that way. This morning was the defining moment that said "it's time to stop being selfish and let him go."
I brought him to the vet and stayed until the very end. He didn't fuss, he didn't argue, he had the resignation in his eyes that this was the time. He fell asleep in my arms and I felt him leave - it was so much faster than I expected as if somehow I needed more time to tell him just what he meant to me, that he was a good, the best anyone could have and that I wasn't sure if he knew that I loved him so much.
There is just never enough time to tell someone you love them.
Today I said goodbye to my very best friend. Don't tell anyone, but my very best friend had four legs and a tail that wouldn't quit. I think it might offend a few people to know that yes, I loved my dog more than most people in the world.
At 17, Cocoa lived longer than anyone thought he might. He had boundless energy and people were always surprised to find out that he was as old as he was. Even in his last days he would race around the house like an idiot, his ears pinned back to his head, faster than the wind. He had been deaf for sometime, and I often joked about coming home and holding a mirror up to his nose when I came home from work. He was a good dog...no, he was the best.
We had a particularly bad weekend with Cocoa, he wasn't feeling well it was clear, but it appeared to be nothing more than having eaten something that didn't agree with him. He still had a lot of energy and didn't mind a little rough housing.
This morning was different, he had fallen and couldn't get back up. He laid there, with a defeated look in his eyes as he relieved himself all over the floor.
We all wish that our beloved pets could die peacefully in their dog beds, curled up and happy dreaming of giant-sized dog bones and chasing cars. But the reality is not many dogs actually get to go that way. This morning was the defining moment that said "it's time to stop being selfish and let him go."
I brought him to the vet and stayed until the very end. He didn't fuss, he didn't argue, he had the resignation in his eyes that this was the time. He fell asleep in my arms and I felt him leave - it was so much faster than I expected as if somehow I needed more time to tell him just what he meant to me, that he was a good, the best anyone could have and that I wasn't sure if he knew that I loved him so much.
There is just never enough time to tell someone you love them.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
"We all live in suspense from day to day In other words, you are the hero of your own story." - Mary McCarthy
Remembrance Day. My daughter calls it a Remembrance Day Celebration. I think somewhere along the way the lines got crossed - isn't Remembrance Day supposed to be a solemn occasion? An opportunity to reflect and remember those who gave their lives for us? What is there to celebrate?
My grandfather was a new father during World War II. During the occupation of the Netherlands, my grandmother had to prepare meals, do laundry, and repair clothes of German soldiers who took up residence in their home. My grandfather rode his bicycle to work every day and had German soldiers take target practice on the wheels of his bike. They hid their expensive jewellery and items of value in pig manure so that the Germans wouldn't steal them, never said a negative word about the war and actually corresponded with some of the men after the war. Interestingly enough, my grandparents never told me that they were scared or that at anytime they thought their lives were in danger. They simply did what was required of them and now, nearly 100 years old, they both reflect on those days.
My grandfather did not want to fight in the war. Not because he supported what was happening but because he didn't want to die. He had a new wife, a new baby and another on the way, why would anyone want to willingly march off to die?
At the Draft Office, if you didnt' want to fight in the war and you told the draft clerks, they put you on the list to be deployed immediately. If you walked up to the man in charge and said "Put me on the front line, I'm ready to go kill some people!", more often than not they would find a reason not to draft you at all. My grandfather, wise to this, marched up and said "I'm ready to fight" and they told him he had a "chicken chest" and was not military material. It took me a lot of years to understand this concept - but the fact is, even in wars, no one actually wants to kill each other. There is a lot of political grand-standing, but once you're the person looking in the whites of the eyes of another man, you get another perspective.
I don't know what it is like to live in fear. I don't know what it is like wondering each day if it will be my last. There is a lot I take for granted because of what other people did long before I was around. I think these people are my heros.
I don't know what it is like to have to leave my family and be deployed to another country. I don't know what a machine gun feels like in my hand. I am grateful for the people that do not have the comforts of home today so that I may enjoy mine. These people are my heros.
My grandfather, who had the sense of mind to preserve his life so that I could be here today. He is my hero.
To Sgt. Randy Baez and Specialist Brandon Lee to whom I write faithfully while they are on tour in Iraq, thank you continuing to do what many of us can not. Thank you for sacrificing your life so that we can continue to believe in the rights and freedoms that we have. You are my heroes.
Perhaps Remembrance Day isn't a celebration, but it is a time to pay homage to those who gave their lives for us and for those that continue to do so. I hope that we never take our freedoms for granted because there are still people serving today to ensure that we continue to be free.
Remembrance Day. My daughter calls it a Remembrance Day Celebration. I think somewhere along the way the lines got crossed - isn't Remembrance Day supposed to be a solemn occasion? An opportunity to reflect and remember those who gave their lives for us? What is there to celebrate?
My grandfather was a new father during World War II. During the occupation of the Netherlands, my grandmother had to prepare meals, do laundry, and repair clothes of German soldiers who took up residence in their home. My grandfather rode his bicycle to work every day and had German soldiers take target practice on the wheels of his bike. They hid their expensive jewellery and items of value in pig manure so that the Germans wouldn't steal them, never said a negative word about the war and actually corresponded with some of the men after the war. Interestingly enough, my grandparents never told me that they were scared or that at anytime they thought their lives were in danger. They simply did what was required of them and now, nearly 100 years old, they both reflect on those days.
My grandfather did not want to fight in the war. Not because he supported what was happening but because he didn't want to die. He had a new wife, a new baby and another on the way, why would anyone want to willingly march off to die?
At the Draft Office, if you didnt' want to fight in the war and you told the draft clerks, they put you on the list to be deployed immediately. If you walked up to the man in charge and said "Put me on the front line, I'm ready to go kill some people!", more often than not they would find a reason not to draft you at all. My grandfather, wise to this, marched up and said "I'm ready to fight" and they told him he had a "chicken chest" and was not military material. It took me a lot of years to understand this concept - but the fact is, even in wars, no one actually wants to kill each other. There is a lot of political grand-standing, but once you're the person looking in the whites of the eyes of another man, you get another perspective.
I don't know what it is like to live in fear. I don't know what it is like wondering each day if it will be my last. There is a lot I take for granted because of what other people did long before I was around. I think these people are my heros.
I don't know what it is like to have to leave my family and be deployed to another country. I don't know what a machine gun feels like in my hand. I am grateful for the people that do not have the comforts of home today so that I may enjoy mine. These people are my heros.
My grandfather, who had the sense of mind to preserve his life so that I could be here today. He is my hero.
To Sgt. Randy Baez and Specialist Brandon Lee to whom I write faithfully while they are on tour in Iraq, thank you continuing to do what many of us can not. Thank you for sacrificing your life so that we can continue to believe in the rights and freedoms that we have. You are my heroes.
Perhaps Remembrance Day isn't a celebration, but it is a time to pay homage to those who gave their lives for us and for those that continue to do so. I hope that we never take our freedoms for granted because there are still people serving today to ensure that we continue to be free.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
"It's good for everybody to hurt somebody once in a while. The things I do to people I love shouldn't be allowed." - Counting Crows (Chelsea)
We grow up learning that hurting other people is bad. From the first time we bite our breast feeding mothers to the first pinch, to the first playground fight, the first fight at a party, the first incarceration. Physicians take the Hippocratic Oath which unequivocally states "I will prescribe regimens for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgment and never do harm to anyone." So how is it, in this day and age that we still go out and hurt people?
What I choose to believe is that no one intentionally hurts anyone. Yes, there are those people who are full of malicious intent and go out of their way to hurt others but by and large, we all try to be kind to people as best we can.
My daughter came home from school the other day. She's six and had her first real lesson in sportsmanship. Seems that in gym class she was on a team that lost 2 out of 3 times (since a tie is like a win). The other team took great delight in taunting the losing team for the rest of the day until the teacher intervened and gave the "it's not whether you win or lose" speech (insert supplemental eye roll here) but that was of no consolation to my daughter. You see, she wasn't upset about losing, she was upset that people continued to hurt her feelings for sometime after the loss.
I had a hard time finding the right words to talk to my daughter about this. I mean, I truly believe that I am 100% responsible for my own feelings and reactions to others, but how do you coach a 6 year old on this concept?
I started thinking about conversations that I had with other people in my life. I've built a career based on honesty, I don't generally beat around the bush very well and pretty much call the shots the way I see them. So how many times have I hurt someone by not choosing my words carefully? What actions have I taken that have upset someone else?
After some careful thought, I asked my daughter how those children who won made her feel. She looked up at me with big doe eyes and said "They made me feel bad. They made me feel like a loser." I knelt down beside her and said, "I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt today, but do you know what you'll say if you are on the winning team next time?" to which she replied "I'm going to thank them for a good game!"
I think it's good for people to hurt somebody once in a while. Perhaps if we remember what it feels like to be hurt, we'll spend more time being aware of how our words and actions may hurt others. A different spin on the golden rule?
We grow up learning that hurting other people is bad. From the first time we bite our breast feeding mothers to the first pinch, to the first playground fight, the first fight at a party, the first incarceration. Physicians take the Hippocratic Oath which unequivocally states "I will prescribe regimens for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgment and never do harm to anyone." So how is it, in this day and age that we still go out and hurt people?
What I choose to believe is that no one intentionally hurts anyone. Yes, there are those people who are full of malicious intent and go out of their way to hurt others but by and large, we all try to be kind to people as best we can.
My daughter came home from school the other day. She's six and had her first real lesson in sportsmanship. Seems that in gym class she was on a team that lost 2 out of 3 times (since a tie is like a win). The other team took great delight in taunting the losing team for the rest of the day until the teacher intervened and gave the "it's not whether you win or lose" speech (insert supplemental eye roll here) but that was of no consolation to my daughter. You see, she wasn't upset about losing, she was upset that people continued to hurt her feelings for sometime after the loss.
I had a hard time finding the right words to talk to my daughter about this. I mean, I truly believe that I am 100% responsible for my own feelings and reactions to others, but how do you coach a 6 year old on this concept?
I started thinking about conversations that I had with other people in my life. I've built a career based on honesty, I don't generally beat around the bush very well and pretty much call the shots the way I see them. So how many times have I hurt someone by not choosing my words carefully? What actions have I taken that have upset someone else?
After some careful thought, I asked my daughter how those children who won made her feel. She looked up at me with big doe eyes and said "They made me feel bad. They made me feel like a loser." I knelt down beside her and said, "I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt today, but do you know what you'll say if you are on the winning team next time?" to which she replied "I'm going to thank them for a good game!"
I think it's good for people to hurt somebody once in a while. Perhaps if we remember what it feels like to be hurt, we'll spend more time being aware of how our words and actions may hurt others. A different spin on the golden rule?
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