Tuesday, November 30, 2010

"If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get." - Frank A. Clark

I have a strange gift.  It's not a gift that I like to use and more often than not I have to be careful when I do use it.  I call my gift "the ability to put power to words."  But this isn't a postiive gift, I can't say something like "I'm going to win the lottery." and it happens, in fact, it is quite the opposite.

Example one:

I was working in Red Deer many years ago and I could not for the life of me print a document.  So I emailed the document to my husband.  When he brought me the document at the end of the day I said "oh, is that your pink slip?"  We laughed.  Less than 18 hours later, my husband was being walked out of his office. 

Example two:

As my husband and I were driving home after example 1, I commented "don't worry, we are in good shape, I can manage the rent and it's not like we have car problems or anything."  Not more than 15 minutes later, the differential goes on our car.

Example three:

A friend and I were having lunch about a year ago.  We were talking about our dogs, both which at that time were already quite old.  We discussed that it wouldn't be long before our dogs were gone.  I commented "I think your dog has a lot of years in him yet, he'll be here for a while yet."  That afternoon her dog just fell over dead in th backyard.

Example four:

I put my wedding ring on six weeks before my wedding, at the advice of my jeweller who insisted that I wear it a couple of days to make sure the sizing was right.  A friend of mine told me that it was bad luck to wear the ring before my wedding.  I laughed and said "I don't beleive in bad luck."  That afternoon my photographer quit, I had a car accident on the way to meeting a new photographer that evening, and two days later I had to ask my maid of honor to step down.

When things go wrong in life, as they sometimes do I often find myself asking "what did I forget to be grateful for?" and more often than not, when I start focusing on what is good in my life, and remember to be grateful for the good things I do have,  things tend to turn themselves around.

Thursday, November 25, 2010 - The Promise

It is one month until Christmas and I make the following pledge:

I will not eat out in a restaurant, unless it is Christmas Party related until the New Year.

Who's with me?

Thursday, November 25, 2010

"You've changed so much.  I guess that's what happens.  I wish you knew how much you changed me.  I wonder if I changed you, if your life is different because of me.  Because mine's different.  My God, you taught me so much and now we don't even talk to each other.  I guess that's what happens." - Unknown

I had training with Jo today.  She said that I had to update my blog because my last blog was just so depressing to see up there first every day.  I appreciate that she looks back to my blog once in a while.  

I'm going to let you in on a little secret.  It's not something that I share with a lot of people, but when I do, I'm pretty candid about it:  I do not like most people.

I do need to preface this a little bit.  You see, people, as a whole, are falliable.  People are going to let you down - this is a simple fact of life.  People will fail you.  Now, I am just as guilty as the rest of you, I have failed people.  I have said that I would show up, only to call last minute and cancel.  I have told a secret that wasn't mine to share.  I have hurt people, however unintentionally, with the best of intentions in mind.  I am not perfect, nor do I expect other people to be perfect.  However, I have had my share of failures, of disappointments, and countless times I have been rejected by my peers. 

It is probably not suprising then, that I would choose to not like most people.  But this choice, is out of protection, not because I think that all humans are bad, but because I like to minimize the amount of investment I make to people who are going to let me down.  I choose to keep my circle small to people that I can count on, people that do what they say they are going to do.  Why?  Because it hurts less when they let you down.  People that generally do what they say they are going to do are dependable, and they get a lot of credit in the integrity bank account that I have set up for them, when they disappoint me, they might lose a little interest, but by and large they remain in good standing.  But more importantly, people who do what they say they are going to do, help me to be accountable right back at them.  I want my integrity bank to be just as full, if not more full with them. 

People will always let you down at some point, I just choose to be picky about who I will accept that from.  Are you in my inner circle?  How is your integrity bank account?

Monday, November 16, 2010

"Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowin how to live with insecurity is the only security." - John Allen Paulos

If there is anything that I learned today, it's this:  nothing is about me.

I have always been a proponent of the philosophy that if you don't like something, change it.  If you don't like something and you fail to make a change, you have lost the right to complain about it.  (Sort of stems into the reason that I don't vote and don't complain about government - but that's a whole other blog.)

Change is good, change is growth.  I have devoted my entire blog to the concept of change, personal change, professional change, changes in relationships.  I like change.  I am an agent of change.  I am just not good at change when it affects me and I have no inflluence over outcomes.

My boss is leaving for at least six months on a medical leave.  Scary stuff.  In fact, there is a possibility she may not come back to work.  Her story really isn't mine to tell, but it does explain that there is a huge unknown right infront of me and until someone tells me what is in the distance, there is little I can do.

So, I make a plan in my head, I know what needs to be done, I have been doing my boss' job for sometime and have a good head on my shoulders about where the business operations are at.  I would make an excellent manager...but as it is you can't trust anyone.  Someone who says they have your back and will endorse you - when in fact they endorse a colleague. 

I'm too fucking mad to continue this blog today.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

God's finger touched him, then he slept." - Alfred, Lord Tennyson

Saturday, November 13, 2010

"For some moments in life there are no words." - David Seltzer (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)

Friday, November 12, 2010

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."  - Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan (Annie)

Today I said goodbye to my very best friend.  Don't tell anyone, but my very best friend had four legs and a tail that wouldn't quit.  I think it might offend a few people to know that yes, I loved my dog more than most people in the world.

At 17, Cocoa lived longer than anyone thought he might.  He had boundless energy and people were always surprised to find out that he was as old as he was.  Even in his last days he would race around the house like an idiot, his ears pinned back to his head, faster than the wind.  He had been deaf for sometime, and I often joked about coming home and holding a mirror up to his nose when I came home from work.  He was a good dog...no, he was the best.

We had a particularly bad weekend with Cocoa, he wasn't feeling well it was clear, but it appeared to be nothing more than having eaten something that didn't agree with him.  He still had a lot of energy and didn't mind a little rough housing.

This morning was different, he had fallen and couldn't get back up.  He laid there, with a defeated look in his eyes as he relieved himself all over the floor. 

We all wish that our beloved pets could die peacefully in their dog beds, curled up and happy dreaming of giant-sized dog bones and chasing cars.  But the reality is not many dogs actually get to go that way.  This morning was the defining moment that said "it's time to stop being selfish and let him go."

I brought him to the vet and stayed until the very end.  He didn't fuss, he didn't argue, he had the resignation in his eyes that this was the time.  He fell asleep in my arms and I felt him leave - it was so much faster than I expected as if somehow I needed more time to tell him just what he meant to me, that he was a good, the best anyone could have and that I wasn't sure if he knew that I loved him so much. 

There is just never enough time to tell someone you love them.