September 14, 2010

"Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever." - Keri Russell

Dear Reader: 

I feel compelled to apologize for the chaos which I have called my life for the last 9 days.  It is this chaos that has prevented me from being diligent in my posts.  Somewhere between work, Grade 1 starting up, and working out, I don't think I've stood still.  So for those of you that so often frequent my blog and comment, I thank you and give you my word that I will try harder to post more reliably.

So, for those of you who don't know.  I have been estranged from my family for one year and three months.  For the record, the decision to cut ties to one's family is not something that I encourage and it took a lot for me to finally decide that enough was enough.

I grew up in a Norman Rockwell painting, until I reached the age of 12.  You see, I have an older brother that got into a lot of trouble at school and otherwise - but oddly enough, he was always the golden child in our family.  My brother also had the gift of being the only grandson to my grandfather and the first born in our family, which just made him untouchable. I honestly think that he was the original 'Teflon Don" because nothing ever stuck to him.  There were a lot of events leading up to my decision to be "done" with my family.  They are tales far too long to bore you all here, but if you ever feel like hearing them, come have a coffee with me.

What I do want to share with you, however, is how this decision, however large or small, made such an impact in my life.  After 37 years, I can finally breathe without worrying that I am being pleasing or displeasing, I don't need to worry whether or not I am successful in their eyes or that I make the proud.  No more competing with the perfect child.  (insert exhale here).

Of course this also changes my own parenting philosophy.  I only have one child, I never wanted more than one (unless it was a boy and then I'd have to try again).  But with my daughter I am unapologetic for her independence and free spirit.  We are team, she and I, and we work well together.  She has every bit of my love and there is nothing that I won't do for her.  I don't measure her against any standard or any other child, she simply is my little girl as perfect as she can be.  Perfect for me.

Now I know that none of us are perfect, and I don't hold my daughter in an ivory tower.  We are fallable, her and I, but it's how we move through this life together that makes her such a perfect fit for me.

It makes me wonder what she'll say in 31 years....