"It's good for everybody to hurt somebody once in a while. The things I do to people I love shouldn't be allowed." - Counting Crows (Chelsea)
We grow up learning that hurting other people is bad. From the first time we bite our breast feeding mothers to the first pinch, to the first playground fight, the first fight at a party, the first incarceration. Physicians take the Hippocratic Oath which unequivocally states "I will prescribe regimens for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgment and never do harm to anyone." So how is it, in this day and age that we still go out and hurt people?
What I choose to believe is that no one intentionally hurts anyone. Yes, there are those people who are full of malicious intent and go out of their way to hurt others but by and large, we all try to be kind to people as best we can.
My daughter came home from school the other day. She's six and had her first real lesson in sportsmanship. Seems that in gym class she was on a team that lost 2 out of 3 times (since a tie is like a win). The other team took great delight in taunting the losing team for the rest of the day until the teacher intervened and gave the "it's not whether you win or lose" speech (insert supplemental eye roll here) but that was of no consolation to my daughter. You see, she wasn't upset about losing, she was upset that people continued to hurt her feelings for sometime after the loss.
I had a hard time finding the right words to talk to my daughter about this. I mean, I truly believe that I am 100% responsible for my own feelings and reactions to others, but how do you coach a 6 year old on this concept?
I started thinking about conversations that I had with other people in my life. I've built a career based on honesty, I don't generally beat around the bush very well and pretty much call the shots the way I see them. So how many times have I hurt someone by not choosing my words carefully? What actions have I taken that have upset someone else?
After some careful thought, I asked my daughter how those children who won made her feel. She looked up at me with big doe eyes and said "They made me feel bad. They made me feel like a loser." I knelt down beside her and said, "I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt today, but do you know what you'll say if you are on the winning team next time?" to which she replied "I'm going to thank them for a good game!"
I think it's good for people to hurt somebody once in a while. Perhaps if we remember what it feels like to be hurt, we'll spend more time being aware of how our words and actions may hurt others. A different spin on the golden rule?
Reading this almost made me cry today, Shelley. I have witnessed my son's feelings get hurt badly (though he's young enough that the next day... or 15 minutes later... he forgot all about it) and it made me want to cry (and to tell off the culpret - aka: my sister-in-law).
ReplyDeleteIt sounds as if your daughter is following her mother's footsteps to becoming an amazing and strong woman.
You know, Niki, people don't tell you everything about being a parent. They don't tell you that your heart is attached to your child in a very deep and profound way. Their joys become our joys, their hurts become our hurts. I was not prepared for that bond and I'm not sure that I ever will be. It's hard to not want to intervene at every hurt and make everything better. I'm not good at letting the proverbial train crash, but I know my daughter will never be strong in her own right if I take care of every battle for her.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reading.