"Your chances of success in any undertaking can always be measured by your belief in yourself." - Robert Collier
It never ceases to amaze me when I come back to post on my blog to find that it's been two weeks since I sat down to write. I apologize to all of you who follow so diligently. I promise, I'm not blog-cheating on you.
My life has had a inordinate number of changes in the last month. Some of them my doing, some of them not, but it's been an interesting experience trying to stay on top of everything.
Not all of the changes have been good. My boss as you know left on a medical leave and I was not chosen to be her replacement. It was a good lesson in grace and courage under fire, even if it still stings a little bit.
My aunt, passed away last week and 5 days later a member of my very extended family passed away as well. In a terrible turn of events, this meant that some of my younger cousins lost a grandma and a grandpa in the week before Christmas.
That said, there have also been some really good changes. As you may recall, on November 25, 2010, I started on my goal to not eat inside a restaurant or fast food location until January 1, 2011. I can tell you that 28 days later, I am only 10 days away from my goal.
But the BIGGEST change, has been to my work out and fitness goals. Since the end of November, I have started running on my treadmill more regularly and working out sometimes twice a day. The end result of this has, shockingly, not been weight loss, as much as it has been a loss of inches. I can celebrate the loss of two inches on my ass, and two inches on my stomach. Now there are other areas of loss of inches as well, but you get the idea, I am changing, and I'm loving it!
I feel confident walking into the Christmas Season that I can survive without pigging out. I have goals and a plan and I feel good about it.
Tell your friends to go to JDFT, it's so worth it.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
"I know not how I may seem to others, but to myself I am but a small child wandering upon the vast shores of knowledge, every now and then, finding a small bright pebble to content myself with" - Plato
A few years ago, my daughter and I were in Vancouver visiting family. On this particular day, we went to the shore where the tide had gone out, leaving all sorts of small tide pools, full of life and exploration. A great thing for a four year old. We walked and walked and walked while my daughter ran from pool to pool, getting her dress soaked from bottom to top, feet in every pool, peering deep into the water for the smallest signs of life.
What we found most often, was not a sign of life, but crabs, dead crabs, littering the beach that we walked on. My daughter would run up to each one and point and yell at the top of her lungs "CRAB ALERT". At one point, she finally gained the courage to start picking up these dead smelly crabs, and then screamed in horror as the one crab she picked up, seemed to fall apart right in her hands, long stringy bits of crab - we still laugh about that today.
I don't wish to be younger, I don't mind being who I am, but I miss the simpler wonderments of life, where I'm just not tired by life in general.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you have decided to look beyond the imperfections." - Anonymous
I am a classic over-acheiver, the word "no" has never really been in my vocabulary and have a lot of success at whatever I put my mind to. I've been hearing "no" a lot lately.
It's not that I expect the world to be perfect, but I do hold myself to a higher standard. I want to be perfect, I want to always strive for perfection - does this mean that I'm not ever going to be truly happy?
I was passed over for an opportunity at work. To be clear, this is only the second career-related rejection that I have ever had. Well three if you count that I wasn't the first choice candidate for the position I currently have. So if all of my rejections have occurred in the last few years, what does this mean? Is it that the people in this particular industry do not know the value of what I can do? Does it mean that I'm getting to be "too old?" Have I set my goal higher than what I can acheive?
Now don't get me wrong, I have a good job, I get paid well and I have a lot of flexibility which allows me to have a good home life. All of these things are important to me. I never thoought about doing more or being more until I started in this job. Until I started having more and more responsibility and a boss who said that if she ever left her job I would be an excellent choice as a replacement, the concept of being more than a superior assistant never even crossed my mind.
I was happy being the best at what I do, so I need to figure out how to get back to happy. See this moment, this time as merely an imperfection in life, not an imperfection in me.
Shit this is hard...
I am a classic over-acheiver, the word "no" has never really been in my vocabulary and have a lot of success at whatever I put my mind to. I've been hearing "no" a lot lately.
It's not that I expect the world to be perfect, but I do hold myself to a higher standard. I want to be perfect, I want to always strive for perfection - does this mean that I'm not ever going to be truly happy?
I was passed over for an opportunity at work. To be clear, this is only the second career-related rejection that I have ever had. Well three if you count that I wasn't the first choice candidate for the position I currently have. So if all of my rejections have occurred in the last few years, what does this mean? Is it that the people in this particular industry do not know the value of what I can do? Does it mean that I'm getting to be "too old?" Have I set my goal higher than what I can acheive?
Now don't get me wrong, I have a good job, I get paid well and I have a lot of flexibility which allows me to have a good home life. All of these things are important to me. I never thoought about doing more or being more until I started in this job. Until I started having more and more responsibility and a boss who said that if she ever left her job I would be an excellent choice as a replacement, the concept of being more than a superior assistant never even crossed my mind.
I was happy being the best at what I do, so I need to figure out how to get back to happy. See this moment, this time as merely an imperfection in life, not an imperfection in me.
Shit this is hard...
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
"If a fellow isn't thankful for what he's got, he isn't likely to be thankful for what he's going to get." - Frank A. Clark
I have a strange gift. It's not a gift that I like to use and more often than not I have to be careful when I do use it. I call my gift "the ability to put power to words." But this isn't a postiive gift, I can't say something like "I'm going to win the lottery." and it happens, in fact, it is quite the opposite.
Example one:
I was working in Red Deer many years ago and I could not for the life of me print a document. So I emailed the document to my husband. When he brought me the document at the end of the day I said "oh, is that your pink slip?" We laughed. Less than 18 hours later, my husband was being walked out of his office.
Example two:
As my husband and I were driving home after example 1, I commented "don't worry, we are in good shape, I can manage the rent and it's not like we have car problems or anything." Not more than 15 minutes later, the differential goes on our car.
Example three:
A friend and I were having lunch about a year ago. We were talking about our dogs, both which at that time were already quite old. We discussed that it wouldn't be long before our dogs were gone. I commented "I think your dog has a lot of years in him yet, he'll be here for a while yet." That afternoon her dog just fell over dead in th backyard.
Example four:
I put my wedding ring on six weeks before my wedding, at the advice of my jeweller who insisted that I wear it a couple of days to make sure the sizing was right. A friend of mine told me that it was bad luck to wear the ring before my wedding. I laughed and said "I don't beleive in bad luck." That afternoon my photographer quit, I had a car accident on the way to meeting a new photographer that evening, and two days later I had to ask my maid of honor to step down.
When things go wrong in life, as they sometimes do I often find myself asking "what did I forget to be grateful for?" and more often than not, when I start focusing on what is good in my life, and remember to be grateful for the good things I do have, things tend to turn themselves around.
I have a strange gift. It's not a gift that I like to use and more often than not I have to be careful when I do use it. I call my gift "the ability to put power to words." But this isn't a postiive gift, I can't say something like "I'm going to win the lottery." and it happens, in fact, it is quite the opposite.
Example one:
I was working in Red Deer many years ago and I could not for the life of me print a document. So I emailed the document to my husband. When he brought me the document at the end of the day I said "oh, is that your pink slip?" We laughed. Less than 18 hours later, my husband was being walked out of his office.
Example two:
As my husband and I were driving home after example 1, I commented "don't worry, we are in good shape, I can manage the rent and it's not like we have car problems or anything." Not more than 15 minutes later, the differential goes on our car.
Example three:
A friend and I were having lunch about a year ago. We were talking about our dogs, both which at that time were already quite old. We discussed that it wouldn't be long before our dogs were gone. I commented "I think your dog has a lot of years in him yet, he'll be here for a while yet." That afternoon her dog just fell over dead in th backyard.
Example four:
I put my wedding ring on six weeks before my wedding, at the advice of my jeweller who insisted that I wear it a couple of days to make sure the sizing was right. A friend of mine told me that it was bad luck to wear the ring before my wedding. I laughed and said "I don't beleive in bad luck." That afternoon my photographer quit, I had a car accident on the way to meeting a new photographer that evening, and two days later I had to ask my maid of honor to step down.
When things go wrong in life, as they sometimes do I often find myself asking "what did I forget to be grateful for?" and more often than not, when I start focusing on what is good in my life, and remember to be grateful for the good things I do have, things tend to turn themselves around.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010 - The Promise
It is one month until Christmas and I make the following pledge:
I will not eat out in a restaurant, unless it is Christmas Party related until the New Year.
Who's with me?
I will not eat out in a restaurant, unless it is Christmas Party related until the New Year.
Who's with me?
Thursday, November 25, 2010
"You've changed so much. I guess that's what happens. I wish you knew how much you changed me. I wonder if I changed you, if your life is different because of me. Because mine's different. My God, you taught me so much and now we don't even talk to each other. I guess that's what happens." - Unknown
I had training with Jo today. She said that I had to update my blog because my last blog was just so depressing to see up there first every day. I appreciate that she looks back to my blog once in a while.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret. It's not something that I share with a lot of people, but when I do, I'm pretty candid about it: I do not like most people.
I do need to preface this a little bit. You see, people, as a whole, are falliable. People are going to let you down - this is a simple fact of life. People will fail you. Now, I am just as guilty as the rest of you, I have failed people. I have said that I would show up, only to call last minute and cancel. I have told a secret that wasn't mine to share. I have hurt people, however unintentionally, with the best of intentions in mind. I am not perfect, nor do I expect other people to be perfect. However, I have had my share of failures, of disappointments, and countless times I have been rejected by my peers.
It is probably not suprising then, that I would choose to not like most people. But this choice, is out of protection, not because I think that all humans are bad, but because I like to minimize the amount of investment I make to people who are going to let me down. I choose to keep my circle small to people that I can count on, people that do what they say they are going to do. Why? Because it hurts less when they let you down. People that generally do what they say they are going to do are dependable, and they get a lot of credit in the integrity bank account that I have set up for them, when they disappoint me, they might lose a little interest, but by and large they remain in good standing. But more importantly, people who do what they say they are going to do, help me to be accountable right back at them. I want my integrity bank to be just as full, if not more full with them.
People will always let you down at some point, I just choose to be picky about who I will accept that from. Are you in my inner circle? How is your integrity bank account?
I had training with Jo today. She said that I had to update my blog because my last blog was just so depressing to see up there first every day. I appreciate that she looks back to my blog once in a while.
I'm going to let you in on a little secret. It's not something that I share with a lot of people, but when I do, I'm pretty candid about it: I do not like most people.
I do need to preface this a little bit. You see, people, as a whole, are falliable. People are going to let you down - this is a simple fact of life. People will fail you. Now, I am just as guilty as the rest of you, I have failed people. I have said that I would show up, only to call last minute and cancel. I have told a secret that wasn't mine to share. I have hurt people, however unintentionally, with the best of intentions in mind. I am not perfect, nor do I expect other people to be perfect. However, I have had my share of failures, of disappointments, and countless times I have been rejected by my peers.
It is probably not suprising then, that I would choose to not like most people. But this choice, is out of protection, not because I think that all humans are bad, but because I like to minimize the amount of investment I make to people who are going to let me down. I choose to keep my circle small to people that I can count on, people that do what they say they are going to do. Why? Because it hurts less when they let you down. People that generally do what they say they are going to do are dependable, and they get a lot of credit in the integrity bank account that I have set up for them, when they disappoint me, they might lose a little interest, but by and large they remain in good standing. But more importantly, people who do what they say they are going to do, help me to be accountable right back at them. I want my integrity bank to be just as full, if not more full with them.
People will always let you down at some point, I just choose to be picky about who I will accept that from. Are you in my inner circle? How is your integrity bank account?
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Monday, November 16, 2010
"Uncertainty is the only certainty there is, and knowin how to live with insecurity is the only security." - John Allen Paulos
If there is anything that I learned today, it's this: nothing is about me.
I have always been a proponent of the philosophy that if you don't like something, change it. If you don't like something and you fail to make a change, you have lost the right to complain about it. (Sort of stems into the reason that I don't vote and don't complain about government - but that's a whole other blog.)
Change is good, change is growth. I have devoted my entire blog to the concept of change, personal change, professional change, changes in relationships. I like change. I am an agent of change. I am just not good at change when it affects me and I have no inflluence over outcomes.
My boss is leaving for at least six months on a medical leave. Scary stuff. In fact, there is a possibility she may not come back to work. Her story really isn't mine to tell, but it does explain that there is a huge unknown right infront of me and until someone tells me what is in the distance, there is little I can do.
So, I make a plan in my head, I know what needs to be done, I have been doing my boss' job for sometime and have a good head on my shoulders about where the business operations are at. I would make an excellent manager...but as it is you can't trust anyone. Someone who says they have your back and will endorse you - when in fact they endorse a colleague.
I'm too fucking mad to continue this blog today.
If there is anything that I learned today, it's this: nothing is about me.
I have always been a proponent of the philosophy that if you don't like something, change it. If you don't like something and you fail to make a change, you have lost the right to complain about it. (Sort of stems into the reason that I don't vote and don't complain about government - but that's a whole other blog.)
Change is good, change is growth. I have devoted my entire blog to the concept of change, personal change, professional change, changes in relationships. I like change. I am an agent of change. I am just not good at change when it affects me and I have no inflluence over outcomes.
My boss is leaving for at least six months on a medical leave. Scary stuff. In fact, there is a possibility she may not come back to work. Her story really isn't mine to tell, but it does explain that there is a huge unknown right infront of me and until someone tells me what is in the distance, there is little I can do.
So, I make a plan in my head, I know what needs to be done, I have been doing my boss' job for sometime and have a good head on my shoulders about where the business operations are at. I would make an excellent manager...but as it is you can't trust anyone. Someone who says they have your back and will endorse you - when in fact they endorse a colleague.
I'm too fucking mad to continue this blog today.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
"For some moments in life there are no words." - David Seltzer (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory)
Friday, November 12, 2010
Friday, November 12, 2010
"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard." - Carol Sobieski and Thomas Meehan (Annie)
Today I said goodbye to my very best friend. Don't tell anyone, but my very best friend had four legs and a tail that wouldn't quit. I think it might offend a few people to know that yes, I loved my dog more than most people in the world.
At 17, Cocoa lived longer than anyone thought he might. He had boundless energy and people were always surprised to find out that he was as old as he was. Even in his last days he would race around the house like an idiot, his ears pinned back to his head, faster than the wind. He had been deaf for sometime, and I often joked about coming home and holding a mirror up to his nose when I came home from work. He was a good dog...no, he was the best.
We had a particularly bad weekend with Cocoa, he wasn't feeling well it was clear, but it appeared to be nothing more than having eaten something that didn't agree with him. He still had a lot of energy and didn't mind a little rough housing.
This morning was different, he had fallen and couldn't get back up. He laid there, with a defeated look in his eyes as he relieved himself all over the floor.
We all wish that our beloved pets could die peacefully in their dog beds, curled up and happy dreaming of giant-sized dog bones and chasing cars. But the reality is not many dogs actually get to go that way. This morning was the defining moment that said "it's time to stop being selfish and let him go."
I brought him to the vet and stayed until the very end. He didn't fuss, he didn't argue, he had the resignation in his eyes that this was the time. He fell asleep in my arms and I felt him leave - it was so much faster than I expected as if somehow I needed more time to tell him just what he meant to me, that he was a good, the best anyone could have and that I wasn't sure if he knew that I loved him so much.
There is just never enough time to tell someone you love them.
Today I said goodbye to my very best friend. Don't tell anyone, but my very best friend had four legs and a tail that wouldn't quit. I think it might offend a few people to know that yes, I loved my dog more than most people in the world.
At 17, Cocoa lived longer than anyone thought he might. He had boundless energy and people were always surprised to find out that he was as old as he was. Even in his last days he would race around the house like an idiot, his ears pinned back to his head, faster than the wind. He had been deaf for sometime, and I often joked about coming home and holding a mirror up to his nose when I came home from work. He was a good dog...no, he was the best.
We had a particularly bad weekend with Cocoa, he wasn't feeling well it was clear, but it appeared to be nothing more than having eaten something that didn't agree with him. He still had a lot of energy and didn't mind a little rough housing.
This morning was different, he had fallen and couldn't get back up. He laid there, with a defeated look in his eyes as he relieved himself all over the floor.
We all wish that our beloved pets could die peacefully in their dog beds, curled up and happy dreaming of giant-sized dog bones and chasing cars. But the reality is not many dogs actually get to go that way. This morning was the defining moment that said "it's time to stop being selfish and let him go."
I brought him to the vet and stayed until the very end. He didn't fuss, he didn't argue, he had the resignation in his eyes that this was the time. He fell asleep in my arms and I felt him leave - it was so much faster than I expected as if somehow I needed more time to tell him just what he meant to me, that he was a good, the best anyone could have and that I wasn't sure if he knew that I loved him so much.
There is just never enough time to tell someone you love them.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
"We all live in suspense from day to day In other words, you are the hero of your own story." - Mary McCarthy
Remembrance Day. My daughter calls it a Remembrance Day Celebration. I think somewhere along the way the lines got crossed - isn't Remembrance Day supposed to be a solemn occasion? An opportunity to reflect and remember those who gave their lives for us? What is there to celebrate?
My grandfather was a new father during World War II. During the occupation of the Netherlands, my grandmother had to prepare meals, do laundry, and repair clothes of German soldiers who took up residence in their home. My grandfather rode his bicycle to work every day and had German soldiers take target practice on the wheels of his bike. They hid their expensive jewellery and items of value in pig manure so that the Germans wouldn't steal them, never said a negative word about the war and actually corresponded with some of the men after the war. Interestingly enough, my grandparents never told me that they were scared or that at anytime they thought their lives were in danger. They simply did what was required of them and now, nearly 100 years old, they both reflect on those days.
My grandfather did not want to fight in the war. Not because he supported what was happening but because he didn't want to die. He had a new wife, a new baby and another on the way, why would anyone want to willingly march off to die?
At the Draft Office, if you didnt' want to fight in the war and you told the draft clerks, they put you on the list to be deployed immediately. If you walked up to the man in charge and said "Put me on the front line, I'm ready to go kill some people!", more often than not they would find a reason not to draft you at all. My grandfather, wise to this, marched up and said "I'm ready to fight" and they told him he had a "chicken chest" and was not military material. It took me a lot of years to understand this concept - but the fact is, even in wars, no one actually wants to kill each other. There is a lot of political grand-standing, but once you're the person looking in the whites of the eyes of another man, you get another perspective.
I don't know what it is like to live in fear. I don't know what it is like wondering each day if it will be my last. There is a lot I take for granted because of what other people did long before I was around. I think these people are my heros.
I don't know what it is like to have to leave my family and be deployed to another country. I don't know what a machine gun feels like in my hand. I am grateful for the people that do not have the comforts of home today so that I may enjoy mine. These people are my heros.
My grandfather, who had the sense of mind to preserve his life so that I could be here today. He is my hero.
To Sgt. Randy Baez and Specialist Brandon Lee to whom I write faithfully while they are on tour in Iraq, thank you continuing to do what many of us can not. Thank you for sacrificing your life so that we can continue to believe in the rights and freedoms that we have. You are my heroes.
Perhaps Remembrance Day isn't a celebration, but it is a time to pay homage to those who gave their lives for us and for those that continue to do so. I hope that we never take our freedoms for granted because there are still people serving today to ensure that we continue to be free.
Remembrance Day. My daughter calls it a Remembrance Day Celebration. I think somewhere along the way the lines got crossed - isn't Remembrance Day supposed to be a solemn occasion? An opportunity to reflect and remember those who gave their lives for us? What is there to celebrate?
My grandfather was a new father during World War II. During the occupation of the Netherlands, my grandmother had to prepare meals, do laundry, and repair clothes of German soldiers who took up residence in their home. My grandfather rode his bicycle to work every day and had German soldiers take target practice on the wheels of his bike. They hid their expensive jewellery and items of value in pig manure so that the Germans wouldn't steal them, never said a negative word about the war and actually corresponded with some of the men after the war. Interestingly enough, my grandparents never told me that they were scared or that at anytime they thought their lives were in danger. They simply did what was required of them and now, nearly 100 years old, they both reflect on those days.
My grandfather did not want to fight in the war. Not because he supported what was happening but because he didn't want to die. He had a new wife, a new baby and another on the way, why would anyone want to willingly march off to die?
At the Draft Office, if you didnt' want to fight in the war and you told the draft clerks, they put you on the list to be deployed immediately. If you walked up to the man in charge and said "Put me on the front line, I'm ready to go kill some people!", more often than not they would find a reason not to draft you at all. My grandfather, wise to this, marched up and said "I'm ready to fight" and they told him he had a "chicken chest" and was not military material. It took me a lot of years to understand this concept - but the fact is, even in wars, no one actually wants to kill each other. There is a lot of political grand-standing, but once you're the person looking in the whites of the eyes of another man, you get another perspective.
I don't know what it is like to live in fear. I don't know what it is like wondering each day if it will be my last. There is a lot I take for granted because of what other people did long before I was around. I think these people are my heros.
I don't know what it is like to have to leave my family and be deployed to another country. I don't know what a machine gun feels like in my hand. I am grateful for the people that do not have the comforts of home today so that I may enjoy mine. These people are my heros.
My grandfather, who had the sense of mind to preserve his life so that I could be here today. He is my hero.
To Sgt. Randy Baez and Specialist Brandon Lee to whom I write faithfully while they are on tour in Iraq, thank you continuing to do what many of us can not. Thank you for sacrificing your life so that we can continue to believe in the rights and freedoms that we have. You are my heroes.
Perhaps Remembrance Day isn't a celebration, but it is a time to pay homage to those who gave their lives for us and for those that continue to do so. I hope that we never take our freedoms for granted because there are still people serving today to ensure that we continue to be free.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
"It's good for everybody to hurt somebody once in a while. The things I do to people I love shouldn't be allowed." - Counting Crows (Chelsea)
We grow up learning that hurting other people is bad. From the first time we bite our breast feeding mothers to the first pinch, to the first playground fight, the first fight at a party, the first incarceration. Physicians take the Hippocratic Oath which unequivocally states "I will prescribe regimens for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgment and never do harm to anyone." So how is it, in this day and age that we still go out and hurt people?
What I choose to believe is that no one intentionally hurts anyone. Yes, there are those people who are full of malicious intent and go out of their way to hurt others but by and large, we all try to be kind to people as best we can.
My daughter came home from school the other day. She's six and had her first real lesson in sportsmanship. Seems that in gym class she was on a team that lost 2 out of 3 times (since a tie is like a win). The other team took great delight in taunting the losing team for the rest of the day until the teacher intervened and gave the "it's not whether you win or lose" speech (insert supplemental eye roll here) but that was of no consolation to my daughter. You see, she wasn't upset about losing, she was upset that people continued to hurt her feelings for sometime after the loss.
I had a hard time finding the right words to talk to my daughter about this. I mean, I truly believe that I am 100% responsible for my own feelings and reactions to others, but how do you coach a 6 year old on this concept?
I started thinking about conversations that I had with other people in my life. I've built a career based on honesty, I don't generally beat around the bush very well and pretty much call the shots the way I see them. So how many times have I hurt someone by not choosing my words carefully? What actions have I taken that have upset someone else?
After some careful thought, I asked my daughter how those children who won made her feel. She looked up at me with big doe eyes and said "They made me feel bad. They made me feel like a loser." I knelt down beside her and said, "I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt today, but do you know what you'll say if you are on the winning team next time?" to which she replied "I'm going to thank them for a good game!"
I think it's good for people to hurt somebody once in a while. Perhaps if we remember what it feels like to be hurt, we'll spend more time being aware of how our words and actions may hurt others. A different spin on the golden rule?
We grow up learning that hurting other people is bad. From the first time we bite our breast feeding mothers to the first pinch, to the first playground fight, the first fight at a party, the first incarceration. Physicians take the Hippocratic Oath which unequivocally states "I will prescribe regimens for the good of my patients according to my ability and my judgment and never do harm to anyone." So how is it, in this day and age that we still go out and hurt people?
What I choose to believe is that no one intentionally hurts anyone. Yes, there are those people who are full of malicious intent and go out of their way to hurt others but by and large, we all try to be kind to people as best we can.
My daughter came home from school the other day. She's six and had her first real lesson in sportsmanship. Seems that in gym class she was on a team that lost 2 out of 3 times (since a tie is like a win). The other team took great delight in taunting the losing team for the rest of the day until the teacher intervened and gave the "it's not whether you win or lose" speech (insert supplemental eye roll here) but that was of no consolation to my daughter. You see, she wasn't upset about losing, she was upset that people continued to hurt her feelings for sometime after the loss.
I had a hard time finding the right words to talk to my daughter about this. I mean, I truly believe that I am 100% responsible for my own feelings and reactions to others, but how do you coach a 6 year old on this concept?
I started thinking about conversations that I had with other people in my life. I've built a career based on honesty, I don't generally beat around the bush very well and pretty much call the shots the way I see them. So how many times have I hurt someone by not choosing my words carefully? What actions have I taken that have upset someone else?
After some careful thought, I asked my daughter how those children who won made her feel. She looked up at me with big doe eyes and said "They made me feel bad. They made me feel like a loser." I knelt down beside her and said, "I'm sorry that your feelings were hurt today, but do you know what you'll say if you are on the winning team next time?" to which she replied "I'm going to thank them for a good game!"
I think it's good for people to hurt somebody once in a while. Perhaps if we remember what it feels like to be hurt, we'll spend more time being aware of how our words and actions may hurt others. A different spin on the golden rule?
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
"Man who waits for roast duck to fly into mouth must wait very, very long time." - Unknown
For all of you regular readers, you know that I generally put some sort of quote that relates to how I'm feeling in my blog. Today's quote has nothing to do with how I'm feeling - or so I thought....
My first thought was "Yeah, every wife could say this to their husband at some point!" But then I did this weird thing...I started looking at the "deeper meaning" behind this Confucious-esque quotation. And I think...I think that what it might actually be telling me is "Shelley, if you want something done, get off your ass and do it, no one else is going to do it for you!"
I have a vein in my forehead. This isn't like any other vein in my body. This vein will actually "pop out" of my forehead when I'm pushed far enough. Generally this frustration has built up over time while I have been waiting for someone else to get something done. "Can you take a look at this document and provide me with revisions, please?" "Can you take out the garbage, please?" "Are you able to...." and I wait.
My husband was actually very good at this game. He would wait until he saw the vein start throbbing before he would do something I asked of him. Then, right before it was about to blow, he would get up and get started on whatever was required of him. (The solution to this of course is to actually let the vein pop out and unleash a holy terror of expletives and feelings of under-appreciation - I completely recommend this avenue to anyone)
Let me be honest though, I don't typically ask a lot of people. I am a firm believer that if I think that I am going to do it better than someone else, don't ask them to do it. There is nothing more cruel that you can do to someone then ask them to do something and the redo it after they've done it. It does nothing to build trust or self esteem in any relationship - and since I generally have a good idea in my head of what I want done, I don't ask for someone else to do it for me.
The flip side of that, however, is that I am ridiculously accommodating, if someone asks me to do something, I'll do whatever I can. Even when I tell someone I don't have the time or resources to lend to a project, if they come back to me and word it even just a little bit different, I'm likely to find time in my schedule to accommodate the request. Even if it makes my vein pop out.
The problem with this, is that I have sort of created my own monster. People have come to rely on me, in fact they rely on me to the point where I feel taken advantage of. Perhaps they know they are taking advantage or perhaps they don't know.
What I do know is that I am more than willing to roast my own duck. The question is...are you?
For all of you regular readers, you know that I generally put some sort of quote that relates to how I'm feeling in my blog. Today's quote has nothing to do with how I'm feeling - or so I thought....
My first thought was "Yeah, every wife could say this to their husband at some point!" But then I did this weird thing...I started looking at the "deeper meaning" behind this Confucious-esque quotation. And I think...I think that what it might actually be telling me is "Shelley, if you want something done, get off your ass and do it, no one else is going to do it for you!"
I have a vein in my forehead. This isn't like any other vein in my body. This vein will actually "pop out" of my forehead when I'm pushed far enough. Generally this frustration has built up over time while I have been waiting for someone else to get something done. "Can you take a look at this document and provide me with revisions, please?" "Can you take out the garbage, please?" "Are you able to...." and I wait.
My husband was actually very good at this game. He would wait until he saw the vein start throbbing before he would do something I asked of him. Then, right before it was about to blow, he would get up and get started on whatever was required of him. (The solution to this of course is to actually let the vein pop out and unleash a holy terror of expletives and feelings of under-appreciation - I completely recommend this avenue to anyone)
Let me be honest though, I don't typically ask a lot of people. I am a firm believer that if I think that I am going to do it better than someone else, don't ask them to do it. There is nothing more cruel that you can do to someone then ask them to do something and the redo it after they've done it. It does nothing to build trust or self esteem in any relationship - and since I generally have a good idea in my head of what I want done, I don't ask for someone else to do it for me.
The flip side of that, however, is that I am ridiculously accommodating, if someone asks me to do something, I'll do whatever I can. Even when I tell someone I don't have the time or resources to lend to a project, if they come back to me and word it even just a little bit different, I'm likely to find time in my schedule to accommodate the request. Even if it makes my vein pop out.
The problem with this, is that I have sort of created my own monster. People have come to rely on me, in fact they rely on me to the point where I feel taken advantage of. Perhaps they know they are taking advantage or perhaps they don't know.
What I do know is that I am more than willing to roast my own duck. The question is...are you?
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection." - Buddah
I have been loathing myself the last couple of weeks. While I was away on vacation, I caught a bug and haven't worked out in two weeks. I'm pretty discouraged, but I will say that Jo has remained in close contact and has continued to be a source of encouragement - who could ask for a better friend and trainer?
I have really struggled with putting this particular blog together and I'm not sure why. I wonder a little if it is the on-going struggle that women have as a whole accepting that they are deserving of love and affection and more importantly that it's okay to love ourselves and treat ourselves with dignity and affection.
When did we learn to put ourselves in second place? Who taught us that our feelings were not as important as someone else? Why is it so hard for us to love ourselves?
I was always afraid of being alone. That if I said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing I would be left by myself. I defined myself with the company of others and was always devastated when they didn't value the relationship as much as I did.
When I was 18, I met this most amazing boy. Handsome, popular, confident, he was everything that I thought I wanted - and incredibly, he seemed to be in to me too! We crashed together and blew apart in epic proportions for two years. When he moved away to Grand Cayman. I followed him there with the idea that we would be together forever. When I got there, he told me about his girlfriend on the island, the stewardess that would fly in every couple of weeks, and of all things, the fiancee he had back in Calgary!
What happened next was really amazing. I was scheduled to be on the island for 3 weeks. I packed up my bags after five days and moved in with a bunch of guys that ran a local dive shop. I wound up staying on the island for 5 months and turned into a completely different person. I worked at the dive shop, got PADI certified and spent every day on the ocean. Cathartic, perhaps, what I know is that one night, at 2am in the morning wheeling my luggage down a broken paved road, wild pack dogs following me as I walked along the beach to my new home, I had taken ownership of me. I wouldn't be defined by someone who didn't value me and I never would again.
I confess it's not been an easy road and my occasional love/hate relationship with me has been challenging, but at 37 years old, 17 years after that life-defining moment I can proudly say that I have the voice to put myself first when I need to, I have the esteem to stand up for what I believe in, and I love myself enough to know that I can stand alone if I have to.
I'm just really glad I don't.
(as an aside, I ran into "that boy" two years later, the day after I got engaged to my now husband of 13 years. As Garth Brooks once said "sometimes I thank God, for unanswered prayers.)
I have been loathing myself the last couple of weeks. While I was away on vacation, I caught a bug and haven't worked out in two weeks. I'm pretty discouraged, but I will say that Jo has remained in close contact and has continued to be a source of encouragement - who could ask for a better friend and trainer?
I have really struggled with putting this particular blog together and I'm not sure why. I wonder a little if it is the on-going struggle that women have as a whole accepting that they are deserving of love and affection and more importantly that it's okay to love ourselves and treat ourselves with dignity and affection.
When did we learn to put ourselves in second place? Who taught us that our feelings were not as important as someone else? Why is it so hard for us to love ourselves?
I was always afraid of being alone. That if I said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing I would be left by myself. I defined myself with the company of others and was always devastated when they didn't value the relationship as much as I did.
When I was 18, I met this most amazing boy. Handsome, popular, confident, he was everything that I thought I wanted - and incredibly, he seemed to be in to me too! We crashed together and blew apart in epic proportions for two years. When he moved away to Grand Cayman. I followed him there with the idea that we would be together forever. When I got there, he told me about his girlfriend on the island, the stewardess that would fly in every couple of weeks, and of all things, the fiancee he had back in Calgary!
What happened next was really amazing. I was scheduled to be on the island for 3 weeks. I packed up my bags after five days and moved in with a bunch of guys that ran a local dive shop. I wound up staying on the island for 5 months and turned into a completely different person. I worked at the dive shop, got PADI certified and spent every day on the ocean. Cathartic, perhaps, what I know is that one night, at 2am in the morning wheeling my luggage down a broken paved road, wild pack dogs following me as I walked along the beach to my new home, I had taken ownership of me. I wouldn't be defined by someone who didn't value me and I never would again.
I confess it's not been an easy road and my occasional love/hate relationship with me has been challenging, but at 37 years old, 17 years after that life-defining moment I can proudly say that I have the voice to put myself first when I need to, I have the esteem to stand up for what I believe in, and I love myself enough to know that I can stand alone if I have to.
I'm just really glad I don't.
(as an aside, I ran into "that boy" two years later, the day after I got engaged to my now husband of 13 years. As Garth Brooks once said "sometimes I thank God, for unanswered prayers.)
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Thursday, October 28, 2010
"This, this is about my own some-day daughter. When you approach me, already stung-stayed with insecurity, begging, “Mom, will I be pretty? Will I be pretty? , ” I will wipe that question from your mouth like cheap lipstick and answer no.
The word pretty is unworthy of everything you will be, and no child of mine will be contained in five letters. You will be pretty intelligent, pretty creative, pretty amazing, but you will never be merely “pretty.” - Katie Makkai (see the entire poem at http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/pretty-19/)
I was an unfortunately ugly child. I can say this with some authority since I was there, and I remember everything that ever made me feel less than beautiful. The short boy-cut hairstyles that my aunt used to give me, the glasses that were so thick and heavy they pulled my ears forward like cab doors, the hand-me-down clothes that never fit quite right or were given to me just as they went out of style...
I was four the first time my parents took me to Hawaii. For those of you who have never been, in Hawaii, you are often greeted with a lei of flowers given to you by either a male or female native Hawaiian - depending on your gender, if you were boy you would go the female greeter, if you were a girl, subsequently you would go to the male. I was so ugly when I was four that even in a skirt and a shirt that said "Hawaiian Princess", I was often shuttled to the female greeter.
I have countless scars from my childhood related to my appearance, from the boy who so cruelly asked me out on a date and when I accepted said "No thanks, I don't go out with dogs." to the girlfriends who said "You can't hang out with us because Jay and Alex don't think you're pretty enough."
I never had to ask if I would be pretty, I already knew the answer.
In my last year of high school, I had a friend, his name was Rob. Rob went to our school, he had been a rugby player, but joined our cheerteam and cheered with me on the Calgary Stampeders Cheerteam. He used to drive me to the city of practice and one day we were talking about the end of high school and he told me:
"You know Shelley, when you were in Grade 10, you were barely noticeable. In Grade 11, it was like "oh hey, there's Shelley", and in Grade 12 it was like "whoa, there's Shelley!" You have truly grown into a beautiful young woman."
A year out of high school I was in a local bar, these two boys sent a drink my way and I went over to them. We hung out for a few hours talking, dancing, having a great time. When it was time to leave the one boy asked if I would go home with him. I looked at him and said "You really don't know who I am, do you.?" He looked confused and when I revealed to them both that I was the same girl they had ridiculed in high school for three years, they looked shocked (faces I still find amusing today). "Fuck, did you ever get HOT." the one boy replied.
My point in all of this, is that I never really got over my youth, I have never looked in the mirror and said "wow, Shelley, you are amazing" I have never viewed myself as one of the "beautiful girls" (and you know who I'm talking about). I still see that little girl in the mirror with the terrible hair cut, the giant looking ears and the horrible lime green leisure suit with the screen on tiger print. I have spent so much of my life chasing some idealistic version of "beautiful" or "hot", that I've made that version too big, too unattainable. Will I ever be comfortable with me? Will I ever see myself the way someone else does? Do I want to?
I do however, know what I will tell my daughter if she ever asks...
The word pretty is unworthy of everything you will be, and no child of mine will be contained in five letters. You will be pretty intelligent, pretty creative, pretty amazing, but you will never be merely “pretty.” - Katie Makkai (see the entire poem at http://www.poemhunter.com/poem/pretty-19/)
I was an unfortunately ugly child. I can say this with some authority since I was there, and I remember everything that ever made me feel less than beautiful. The short boy-cut hairstyles that my aunt used to give me, the glasses that were so thick and heavy they pulled my ears forward like cab doors, the hand-me-down clothes that never fit quite right or were given to me just as they went out of style...
I was four the first time my parents took me to Hawaii. For those of you who have never been, in Hawaii, you are often greeted with a lei of flowers given to you by either a male or female native Hawaiian - depending on your gender, if you were boy you would go the female greeter, if you were a girl, subsequently you would go to the male. I was so ugly when I was four that even in a skirt and a shirt that said "Hawaiian Princess", I was often shuttled to the female greeter.
I have countless scars from my childhood related to my appearance, from the boy who so cruelly asked me out on a date and when I accepted said "No thanks, I don't go out with dogs." to the girlfriends who said "You can't hang out with us because Jay and Alex don't think you're pretty enough."
I never had to ask if I would be pretty, I already knew the answer.
In my last year of high school, I had a friend, his name was Rob. Rob went to our school, he had been a rugby player, but joined our cheerteam and cheered with me on the Calgary Stampeders Cheerteam. He used to drive me to the city of practice and one day we were talking about the end of high school and he told me:
"You know Shelley, when you were in Grade 10, you were barely noticeable. In Grade 11, it was like "oh hey, there's Shelley", and in Grade 12 it was like "whoa, there's Shelley!" You have truly grown into a beautiful young woman."
A year out of high school I was in a local bar, these two boys sent a drink my way and I went over to them. We hung out for a few hours talking, dancing, having a great time. When it was time to leave the one boy asked if I would go home with him. I looked at him and said "You really don't know who I am, do you.?" He looked confused and when I revealed to them both that I was the same girl they had ridiculed in high school for three years, they looked shocked (faces I still find amusing today). "Fuck, did you ever get HOT." the one boy replied.
My point in all of this, is that I never really got over my youth, I have never looked in the mirror and said "wow, Shelley, you are amazing" I have never viewed myself as one of the "beautiful girls" (and you know who I'm talking about). I still see that little girl in the mirror with the terrible hair cut, the giant looking ears and the horrible lime green leisure suit with the screen on tiger print. I have spent so much of my life chasing some idealistic version of "beautiful" or "hot", that I've made that version too big, too unattainable. Will I ever be comfortable with me? Will I ever see myself the way someone else does? Do I want to?
I do however, know what I will tell my daughter if she ever asks...
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010 - Supplemental
"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel." - Maya Angelou
Enough said...Thanks Maya.
Enough said...Thanks Maya.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
"The person who gets the farthest is generally the one who is willing to do and dare. The sure-thing boat never gets far from shore." - Dale Carnegie
Dear Readers and Mathletes - I feel like I spend a lot of time apologizing to you for failing to keep up with my blog, but here I am again, apologizing for being away from you for the last two weeks! To be fair, I was away on a much needed vacation south of the boarder. Given the ridiculous amount of money you have to pay for data services in the US, it wasn't likely that I was going to keep up anyway - of course the amount of money I lost at the poker table would have paid plenty.
I am going to keep today's blog short(er) as my work life is nearly unmanageable this week, but I wanted to share something with you. First of all, props and big shout out to Jo, of Jo Dumont Fitness Training (www.jodumontfitnesstraining.com) who has joined the ranks of the bloggers. Check her out at http://jdft.blogspot.com.
The reason I point out Jo's blog is that it is probably one of the best blogs that I have read to date. At first I thought it was because I know Jo and might still be girl crushing on her, but the more I think about it, I think it's because in her blog, Jo opens the doors and makes herself vulnerable. For a long time I have viewed Jo in awe of all the things she does, how she manages her life, her children, her business and while Jo is still tremendous at all these things, her blog identifies some of her true feelings, guilts, and fears - and I realize that we aren't so very different. That we share many of the same guilty feelings about raising children, worry about paying bills, wanting our life to work out in spite of every possible obstacle known to man being thrown up in front of us...We just never talk about those things out loud.
If it's possible, I respect Jo more today than I did yesterday.
Dear Readers and Mathletes - I feel like I spend a lot of time apologizing to you for failing to keep up with my blog, but here I am again, apologizing for being away from you for the last two weeks! To be fair, I was away on a much needed vacation south of the boarder. Given the ridiculous amount of money you have to pay for data services in the US, it wasn't likely that I was going to keep up anyway - of course the amount of money I lost at the poker table would have paid plenty.
I am going to keep today's blog short(er) as my work life is nearly unmanageable this week, but I wanted to share something with you. First of all, props and big shout out to Jo, of Jo Dumont Fitness Training (www.jodumontfitnesstraining.com) who has joined the ranks of the bloggers. Check her out at http://jdft.blogspot.com.
The reason I point out Jo's blog is that it is probably one of the best blogs that I have read to date. At first I thought it was because I know Jo and might still be girl crushing on her, but the more I think about it, I think it's because in her blog, Jo opens the doors and makes herself vulnerable. For a long time I have viewed Jo in awe of all the things she does, how she manages her life, her children, her business and while Jo is still tremendous at all these things, her blog identifies some of her true feelings, guilts, and fears - and I realize that we aren't so very different. That we share many of the same guilty feelings about raising children, worry about paying bills, wanting our life to work out in spite of every possible obstacle known to man being thrown up in front of us...We just never talk about those things out loud.
If it's possible, I respect Jo more today than I did yesterday.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change." - Carl Rogers
I refuse to be excited about this. Repeat. I REFUSE to be excited by this.
Okay, it doesn't matter, I'm excited and no matter how much I want to refute the excitement, I am excited.
Since all of you are just dying to know what I am excited about, I am going to share it with you....I have lost seven pounds. Yes, you heard me, 7!
Now for all of you mathletes out there, you need to have all of the story to truly understand why this is significant. Approximately 10 days I go, I sent a note to Jo - of Jo Dumont Fitness Training (jodumontfitnesstraining.com) telling her that if I gained two more pounds I would be sticking my finger down my throat. I had just stepped on the scaled and discovered that I had gained more weight, bringing my total weight to 16 pounds. (That made me 154 pounds).
Pretty discouraged about the whole thing, I turned to Jo. Now why this is significant, is that normally and probably long before now, I would have quit on Jo. Determined that I could do this on my own, I would strike out, go back to my bad eating habits and lose the weight. Sure, I would lose the weight, but I wouldn't have achieved all of the successes that I have now:
Jo was incredibly responsive to my desperation. She took time out of her busy Sunday night to talk me off the ledge and come up with a plan for me. A plan that I can buy into and have been working really hard at in the past 10 days and the results are beginning to speak for themselves.
Going to JDFT has probably been one of the best decisions that I have ever made for myself. Amanda and I had an amazing run last Thursday where we ran 6.5k in intervals. I was running faster than I have ever run before and it was AMAZING! On Saturday, I joined up with Jo, Amanda, Shannon and Brandi for a Thanksgiving Weekend Last Chance Workout, I didn't pig out on Thanksgiving (I could hardly move, but that's another blog) and went back to the gym for Hardcore last night. Dare I say, I am "committed?" GASP
No blog would be complete without a shoutout that I feel is long overdue. Shannon is another one of the trainers at JDFT. She has never taught me in a class, but I have had the pleasure of working out with her. She is full of energy and contains a great deal of motivation just by showing up and doing a class with you. Not only is she willing to listen to the concerns you have about your fitness/program/weight, she has a built in empathy that makes it really easy to talk to her and tells you "hey, I've been where you are". Thank you, Shannon.
I refuse to be excited about this. Repeat. I REFUSE to be excited by this.
Okay, it doesn't matter, I'm excited and no matter how much I want to refute the excitement, I am excited.
Since all of you are just dying to know what I am excited about, I am going to share it with you....I have lost seven pounds. Yes, you heard me, 7!
Now for all of you mathletes out there, you need to have all of the story to truly understand why this is significant. Approximately 10 days I go, I sent a note to Jo - of Jo Dumont Fitness Training (jodumontfitnesstraining.com) telling her that if I gained two more pounds I would be sticking my finger down my throat. I had just stepped on the scaled and discovered that I had gained more weight, bringing my total weight to 16 pounds. (That made me 154 pounds).
Pretty discouraged about the whole thing, I turned to Jo. Now why this is significant, is that normally and probably long before now, I would have quit on Jo. Determined that I could do this on my own, I would strike out, go back to my bad eating habits and lose the weight. Sure, I would lose the weight, but I wouldn't have achieved all of the successes that I have now:
- I have muscle tone in areas of my body that haven't had tone since the early 90's. (do you notice how the 90's looks older when you type is 1990?)
- I have more energy than I have had in years.
- I can lift 195 pounds off the ground.
- I can run 6.5k in intervals in less than an hour. (the bigger story might be that I actually choose to run).
- I may even like me!
Jo was incredibly responsive to my desperation. She took time out of her busy Sunday night to talk me off the ledge and come up with a plan for me. A plan that I can buy into and have been working really hard at in the past 10 days and the results are beginning to speak for themselves.
Going to JDFT has probably been one of the best decisions that I have ever made for myself. Amanda and I had an amazing run last Thursday where we ran 6.5k in intervals. I was running faster than I have ever run before and it was AMAZING! On Saturday, I joined up with Jo, Amanda, Shannon and Brandi for a Thanksgiving Weekend Last Chance Workout, I didn't pig out on Thanksgiving (I could hardly move, but that's another blog) and went back to the gym for Hardcore last night. Dare I say, I am "committed?" GASP
No blog would be complete without a shoutout that I feel is long overdue. Shannon is another one of the trainers at JDFT. She has never taught me in a class, but I have had the pleasure of working out with her. She is full of energy and contains a great deal of motivation just by showing up and doing a class with you. Not only is she willing to listen to the concerns you have about your fitness/program/weight, she has a built in empathy that makes it really easy to talk to her and tells you "hey, I've been where you are". Thank you, Shannon.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
"Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” - Sara Paddison
Beets. Plain old garden variety beets. Who knew the beets were going to be the insight that made the biggest change in my life since the birth of my daughter?
Yesterday I went to visit my aunt who is dying of cancer. I was pretty matter-of-fact about the visit and wasn't even remotely nervous about seeing my aunt until I actually got to the hospice - that was when the nerves set in. I had no idea what to expect and what I expected was not at all what I encountered.
My aunt, who two weeks ago had been given 2 - 4 weeks to live, looked nothing like someone I would expect was going to die in the next few days - weeks. She was bright, cheerful, she didn't look sick, gaunt, or deathly in any way. Except for thinned hair (which was growing back since they had stopped chemo treatments months ago), you could have swore this was any regular visit in the living room of her house - if her bed was in her living room and if we were in her her house instead of the hospice.
My uncle was there and my oldest cousin and they were never far from her and were very aware of every movement or twinge of pain that she was experiencing. Apparently the tumors have given her acid reflux something awful and several edemas in various locations in her body. They very quickly glossed over every tube hanging from her body and what drugs were inserted into each tube - the medications were nothing short of an alphabetized list designed to bring my aunt comfort since the doctors had stopped trying to test or treat her cancer, she simply is after all, going to die and they may as well make her comfortable in her final days.
After the medical synopsis, it was as if there was no illness between us and my reason for a visit was simply because I was in the neighbourhood. Death was merely the white elephant in the room. We talked about the last year (since it had been over a year since they had seen me) and my aunt asked many questions about my life and what I was doing.
At one point we spoke of my grandmother and her ability to make the best pickled beans ever. My aunt recalled how much I liked pickles and my cousin asked if I even liked pickled beets. (which, of course I do). My cousin and my uncle don't like beets, and my aunt wondered about the beets she had at home and how they might go to waste.
How surreal this seemed to me. Here you are, lying in a bed, dying of cancer, not knowing which day would be your last and you're worried about beets?
It was in that moment, that a strange realization crept over me. That if I was going to die, this is how I would want to go. To be so at peace with the inevitability of my life that I could be concerned about beets. My aunt, surrounded with her family, knowing she is loved and that everyone had the opportunity to see her and make their peace. That she too had time to receive absolution where/if required.
After a very awkward goodbye. (I mean, what do you say "good bye, see you later, get well soon?") I gave an awkward hug and a kiss good bye, hugged my uncle and cousin and walked out of the room.
As I walked out of the building with the knowledge that I would not see my aunt until her funeral, I realized just how much extra weight I had been carrying, not just the physical weight, but the emotional weight that I have carried with me for far too long and I know that I don't want to carry it anymore.
So I picked up the phone, called my mom and dad. I drove the extra 45 minutes to where they live and we met for a late dinner. We didn't talk about the past and why we hadn't spoke in the last 17 months, it was just nice, easy conversation in a neutral location and even though I didn't say it out loud to them, in that moment, I forgave them. I acknowledged in my heart that they did they best they could for me and that even if they were blind to my pain and their ability to take some of it away for me, I could only simply forgive them to remove the pain myself and move forward.
Maybe now I can start forgiving myself.
Beets. Plain old garden variety beets. Who knew the beets were going to be the insight that made the biggest change in my life since the birth of my daughter?
Yesterday I went to visit my aunt who is dying of cancer. I was pretty matter-of-fact about the visit and wasn't even remotely nervous about seeing my aunt until I actually got to the hospice - that was when the nerves set in. I had no idea what to expect and what I expected was not at all what I encountered.
My aunt, who two weeks ago had been given 2 - 4 weeks to live, looked nothing like someone I would expect was going to die in the next few days - weeks. She was bright, cheerful, she didn't look sick, gaunt, or deathly in any way. Except for thinned hair (which was growing back since they had stopped chemo treatments months ago), you could have swore this was any regular visit in the living room of her house - if her bed was in her living room and if we were in her her house instead of the hospice.
My uncle was there and my oldest cousin and they were never far from her and were very aware of every movement or twinge of pain that she was experiencing. Apparently the tumors have given her acid reflux something awful and several edemas in various locations in her body. They very quickly glossed over every tube hanging from her body and what drugs were inserted into each tube - the medications were nothing short of an alphabetized list designed to bring my aunt comfort since the doctors had stopped trying to test or treat her cancer, she simply is after all, going to die and they may as well make her comfortable in her final days.
After the medical synopsis, it was as if there was no illness between us and my reason for a visit was simply because I was in the neighbourhood. Death was merely the white elephant in the room. We talked about the last year (since it had been over a year since they had seen me) and my aunt asked many questions about my life and what I was doing.
At one point we spoke of my grandmother and her ability to make the best pickled beans ever. My aunt recalled how much I liked pickles and my cousin asked if I even liked pickled beets. (which, of course I do). My cousin and my uncle don't like beets, and my aunt wondered about the beets she had at home and how they might go to waste.
How surreal this seemed to me. Here you are, lying in a bed, dying of cancer, not knowing which day would be your last and you're worried about beets?
It was in that moment, that a strange realization crept over me. That if I was going to die, this is how I would want to go. To be so at peace with the inevitability of my life that I could be concerned about beets. My aunt, surrounded with her family, knowing she is loved and that everyone had the opportunity to see her and make their peace. That she too had time to receive absolution where/if required.
After a very awkward goodbye. (I mean, what do you say "good bye, see you later, get well soon?") I gave an awkward hug and a kiss good bye, hugged my uncle and cousin and walked out of the room.
As I walked out of the building with the knowledge that I would not see my aunt until her funeral, I realized just how much extra weight I had been carrying, not just the physical weight, but the emotional weight that I have carried with me for far too long and I know that I don't want to carry it anymore.
So I picked up the phone, called my mom and dad. I drove the extra 45 minutes to where they live and we met for a late dinner. We didn't talk about the past and why we hadn't spoke in the last 17 months, it was just nice, easy conversation in a neutral location and even though I didn't say it out loud to them, in that moment, I forgave them. I acknowledged in my heart that they did they best they could for me and that even if they were blind to my pain and their ability to take some of it away for me, I could only simply forgive them to remove the pain myself and move forward.
Maybe now I can start forgiving myself.
Friday, October 1, 2010
Friday, October 1, 2010
"Die when I may, I want it said of me by those who knew me best, that I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower where I thought a flower might grow" - Abraham Lincoln
Tomorrow I am driving to Calgary. It's not a far drive, but it is a trip I have been dreading for some time. You see, my aunt is dying of cancer and only has a short while left to live. Days perhaps.
My aunt was diagnosed more than a year ago and I have never really acknowledged it with her. Some might argue indifference, but the truth is, how do you tell someone "hey, I'm sorry you're dying?" So instead, for the time that I was still speaking with my family, my aunt's cancer was like the white elephant in the room.
I have never really been comfortable with death other than something more than a passing teenage fascination with it, so it isn't surprising to me that I have avoided visiting my aunt until now. Quite honestly, if my cousin hadn't asked me to come, I may have avoided it altogether.
I want to live my life with meaning. I want to know that when my time comes that people will have good memories of me and that I made a difference in my universe.
I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
(thanks Linkin Park)
When my time comes, I hope people come to visit me.
Tomorrow I am driving to Calgary. It's not a far drive, but it is a trip I have been dreading for some time. You see, my aunt is dying of cancer and only has a short while left to live. Days perhaps.
My aunt was diagnosed more than a year ago and I have never really acknowledged it with her. Some might argue indifference, but the truth is, how do you tell someone "hey, I'm sorry you're dying?" So instead, for the time that I was still speaking with my family, my aunt's cancer was like the white elephant in the room.
I have never really been comfortable with death other than something more than a passing teenage fascination with it, so it isn't surprising to me that I have avoided visiting my aunt until now. Quite honestly, if my cousin hadn't asked me to come, I may have avoided it altogether.
I want to live my life with meaning. I want to know that when my time comes that people will have good memories of me and that I made a difference in my universe.
I dreamed I was missing
You were so scared
But no one would listen
Cause no one else cared
After my dreaming
I woke with this fear
What am I leaving
When I'm done here
So if you're asking me
I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
(thanks Linkin Park)
When my time comes, I hope people come to visit me.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
"Success is not built on success. It's built on failure. It's built on frustration. Sometimes its built on catastrophe." - Sumner Redstone
It's been a while since I talked about my training at Jo Dumont Fitness Training (http://www.jodumontfitnesstraining.com/). I started with Jo on July 7, 2010, and have been I think a pretty consistent feature in the gym since then.
My Monday includes a personal training session with Jo and let me tell you, she is worth every penny and to be truthful, it's not even that many pennies for what you get out of the workout. For that hour, you get Jo Dumont's undivided attention in a private space. The workouts are harder, and she is more demanding about how you do the exercises. For me, however, it's not just about the exercise, it's about having that one on one support and sometimes, even that one on one laughing that comes with finding out just how uncoordinated I am!
I have also continued to attend circuit classes, hard core classes, running classes and most recently, a flex class which featured cardio kick-boxing. Completely different from the kick-boxing style that I am used to, cardio kick-boxing also provides a mental workout which tells me that at 37 years old I still don't know my left from my right.
What is never missing from my gym experience, is the feeling of community that you get when you walk in the door. Everyone you meet is welcoming and ready to help. There are people in the gym that I feel like I've known forever, even if it's only been 70 days.
You should come and check out JDFT, you'll be glad that you did.
It's been a while since I talked about my training at Jo Dumont Fitness Training (http://www.jodumontfitnesstraining.com/). I started with Jo on July 7, 2010, and have been I think a pretty consistent feature in the gym since then.
My Monday includes a personal training session with Jo and let me tell you, she is worth every penny and to be truthful, it's not even that many pennies for what you get out of the workout. For that hour, you get Jo Dumont's undivided attention in a private space. The workouts are harder, and she is more demanding about how you do the exercises. For me, however, it's not just about the exercise, it's about having that one on one support and sometimes, even that one on one laughing that comes with finding out just how uncoordinated I am!
I have also continued to attend circuit classes, hard core classes, running classes and most recently, a flex class which featured cardio kick-boxing. Completely different from the kick-boxing style that I am used to, cardio kick-boxing also provides a mental workout which tells me that at 37 years old I still don't know my left from my right.
What is never missing from my gym experience, is the feeling of community that you get when you walk in the door. Everyone you meet is welcoming and ready to help. There are people in the gym that I feel like I've known forever, even if it's only been 70 days.
You should come and check out JDFT, you'll be glad that you did.
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
September 14, 2010
"Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever." - Keri Russell
Dear Reader:
I feel compelled to apologize for the chaos which I have called my life for the last 9 days. It is this chaos that has prevented me from being diligent in my posts. Somewhere between work, Grade 1 starting up, and working out, I don't think I've stood still. So for those of you that so often frequent my blog and comment, I thank you and give you my word that I will try harder to post more reliably.
So, for those of you who don't know. I have been estranged from my family for one year and three months. For the record, the decision to cut ties to one's family is not something that I encourage and it took a lot for me to finally decide that enough was enough.
I grew up in a Norman Rockwell painting, until I reached the age of 12. You see, I have an older brother that got into a lot of trouble at school and otherwise - but oddly enough, he was always the golden child in our family. My brother also had the gift of being the only grandson to my grandfather and the first born in our family, which just made him untouchable. I honestly think that he was the original 'Teflon Don" because nothing ever stuck to him. There were a lot of events leading up to my decision to be "done" with my family. They are tales far too long to bore you all here, but if you ever feel like hearing them, come have a coffee with me.
What I do want to share with you, however, is how this decision, however large or small, made such an impact in my life. After 37 years, I can finally breathe without worrying that I am being pleasing or displeasing, I don't need to worry whether or not I am successful in their eyes or that I make the proud. No more competing with the perfect child. (insert exhale here).
Of course this also changes my own parenting philosophy. I only have one child, I never wanted more than one (unless it was a boy and then I'd have to try again). But with my daughter I am unapologetic for her independence and free spirit. We are team, she and I, and we work well together. She has every bit of my love and there is nothing that I won't do for her. I don't measure her against any standard or any other child, she simply is my little girl as perfect as she can be. Perfect for me.
Now I know that none of us are perfect, and I don't hold my daughter in an ivory tower. We are fallable, her and I, but it's how we move through this life together that makes her such a perfect fit for me.
It makes me wonder what she'll say in 31 years....
Dear Reader:
I feel compelled to apologize for the chaos which I have called my life for the last 9 days. It is this chaos that has prevented me from being diligent in my posts. Somewhere between work, Grade 1 starting up, and working out, I don't think I've stood still. So for those of you that so often frequent my blog and comment, I thank you and give you my word that I will try harder to post more reliably.
So, for those of you who don't know. I have been estranged from my family for one year and three months. For the record, the decision to cut ties to one's family is not something that I encourage and it took a lot for me to finally decide that enough was enough.
I grew up in a Norman Rockwell painting, until I reached the age of 12. You see, I have an older brother that got into a lot of trouble at school and otherwise - but oddly enough, he was always the golden child in our family. My brother also had the gift of being the only grandson to my grandfather and the first born in our family, which just made him untouchable. I honestly think that he was the original 'Teflon Don" because nothing ever stuck to him. There were a lot of events leading up to my decision to be "done" with my family. They are tales far too long to bore you all here, but if you ever feel like hearing them, come have a coffee with me.
What I do want to share with you, however, is how this decision, however large or small, made such an impact in my life. After 37 years, I can finally breathe without worrying that I am being pleasing or displeasing, I don't need to worry whether or not I am successful in their eyes or that I make the proud. No more competing with the perfect child. (insert exhale here).
Of course this also changes my own parenting philosophy. I only have one child, I never wanted more than one (unless it was a boy and then I'd have to try again). But with my daughter I am unapologetic for her independence and free spirit. We are team, she and I, and we work well together. She has every bit of my love and there is nothing that I won't do for her. I don't measure her against any standard or any other child, she simply is my little girl as perfect as she can be. Perfect for me.
Now I know that none of us are perfect, and I don't hold my daughter in an ivory tower. We are fallable, her and I, but it's how we move through this life together that makes her such a perfect fit for me.
It makes me wonder what she'll say in 31 years....
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Saturday, September 4, 2010
"Learn the art of patience. Apply discipline to your thoughts when they become anxious over the outcome of a goal. Impatience breeds anxiety, fear, discouragement and failure. Patience creates confidence, decisiveness. and a rational outlook, which eventually leads to success." - Brian Adams
I have had so much in my head the last couple of days. That sort of "full-brain" feeling you get when you have too much inside and not place to really let it out? So, I apologize if today's blog is a lot like diarrhea - never ending and not very pleasant.
I did interval running the other day - this comes on the heels of telling Jo that I need to work harder to lose weight. As I've mentioned, I trust Jo completely and have given my body and what mind I still have left, to Jo for the purposes of turning my body into the machine that it was made for. So, when Jo says "Shelley needs to do intervals," that's what Shelley does - and the only thing I learned about intervals is that I hate them, and I need to do more of them.
It was during these runs that Amanda asked me about what was in my bucket list. I had no idea what a bucket list was. Apparently, a bucket list is a list of things you do before you "kick the bucket". (nice). Interestingly enough, I had actually made a list of 50 things to do before I died, I just didn't know that there was an official urban name for such a compilation.
I wrote this list when I was 17 years old. For you mathletes, that was 20 years ago. Why don't we see how I have made out with my "bucket list"
I have had so much in my head the last couple of days. That sort of "full-brain" feeling you get when you have too much inside and not place to really let it out? So, I apologize if today's blog is a lot like diarrhea - never ending and not very pleasant.
I did interval running the other day - this comes on the heels of telling Jo that I need to work harder to lose weight. As I've mentioned, I trust Jo completely and have given my body and what mind I still have left, to Jo for the purposes of turning my body into the machine that it was made for. So, when Jo says "Shelley needs to do intervals," that's what Shelley does - and the only thing I learned about intervals is that I hate them, and I need to do more of them.
It was during these runs that Amanda asked me about what was in my bucket list. I had no idea what a bucket list was. Apparently, a bucket list is a list of things you do before you "kick the bucket". (nice). Interestingly enough, I had actually made a list of 50 things to do before I died, I just didn't know that there was an official urban name for such a compilation.
I wrote this list when I was 17 years old. For you mathletes, that was 20 years ago. Why don't we see how I have made out with my "bucket list"
- Finish university - I never completed university. After drinking my way through the first month of post-secondary education I came to the realization that I wasn't ready to be in university (mental note: remember to tell others that if you aren't ready to go to university, don't go.) For ther record, I did go back and get my diploma in Business Admin, which has served me well.
- Get Married Before I'm 25 - I was married 9 months before my 25th birthday.
- Have 2 Children Before I'm 30 - I had my first and only child at age 30.
- Live on an Island - I lived on Grand Cayman Island for 6 months when I was 20.
- Learn to Scuba Dive - I am a PADI certified diver (oops, expired now)
- Become a Fighter Pilot - God bless Tom Cruise in Top Gun, but I am not a figther pilot.
- Drive a Formula 1 Race Car - There's still time while I still have my driver's licence.
- Date Someone Famous - I dated Eric Flaim, world champion speedskater from the US Olympic Team, Gizmo Williams - Edmonton Eskimo's Fame (hey, he used to be hot), and JR Phillips and very yummy first baseman for the SanFransciso Giants.
- Don't Die a Virgin - see #3 to know that I had sex at least once.
- Play an Organized Sport - I have played soccer, slo-pitch, and became a competitive kick-boxer.
- Travel to Africa - trip still pending.
- Back Pack Across Europe - really? do I still want to do this?
- Work in Australia for a year - missed the mark there, not sure that I can actually work in Australia now.
- Act in a Movie - While I didn't get to act in a movie, my dog broke his leash and together we ran into the set of "Viper" (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Viper_(TV_series)) which was being filmed in downtown Calgary.
- Write a Novel - subject matter still pending. I'm not sure the memoirs of Shelley classify as a book, but I've met a lot of people in my life who have said "Hey, you should write a book"
- Leave this Small Town - I basically left this small town, traded it for city life and then realized that I liked small town life without "living" in it.
- Be a Contestant on a Game Show - I'll take "Game shows that Suck Ass" for $200 Alex. (maybe next time I'll get out of the qualifying rounds).
- Watch an MLB Baseball Game in Every Stadium - I watched the Blue Jays play the Texas Rangers on August 27, 1997. In Toronto.
- Watch an NHL Hockey Game in Every Arena - I have seen hockey games in Calgary, Edmonton, Vancouver and Phoenix.
- Go to a Live Car Racing Event - I watched the Vancouver Indy in 1998. Richie Hearn may have been the cutest, kindest, worst driver ever. (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Richie_Hearn)
- Be the Lead Singer in a Band - Sadly, I don't think fronting as Joan Jett and the Blackhearts in a Karaoke version of "I Love Rock and Roll" counts.
- Get a Tattoo - I have a butterfly on my wrist - more to come.
- Dye my Hair - I haven't seen my natural hair color since 1997.
- Make out with a Woman - since I was unable to define what this meant 20 years ago, I am unable to actually comment on whether or not I was successful.
- Ride an Elephant - Shrine Circus, circa 1994.
- Swim with Dolphins - June 26,. 2010.
- Have Sex in a Public Place - while this was accomplished sometime around 1992, I would like to point out that this behavior actually disgusts me a great deal now.
- Have Sex Somewhere Illegal - remembering that I wrote this at 17, I had no idea that number 27 and number 28 were actually the same. That said, I can say with some authority that while not a public place, sex in a Huey on a military base south of the border is somewhere illegal.
- Own a Car - I didn't own my first car until I was 24 years old.
- Meet a Political Figure - Ralph Klein was really more of a pear-shape.
- Meet a Sports Figure - Rich Franklin, Jason McDonald, Richie Hearn, Greg Moore, Stuart Hendley, Mark Tewksbury, Darren Warden, Curt Harnett, Keyvan Jenkins, Eric Lindros, Joe Juneau, Melissa Hollingsworth, Linda Blair, Dan Henderson, Will "The Thrill" Johnson (not such a thrill) Pee-Wee Smith, George Gurgel, Eric Flaim, Lynk Gates, Kevin Lowe, Wayne Gretzky, Kurt Browning, Dave Snuggerud, Doug Flutie, Jeff Garcia, Herm Harrison, and of course, JR Phillps.
- Meet a Movie/Film Star - Jason Priestly, Chad Michael Murray, Brian Austin Green, Kevin Costner, Criss Angel.
- Meet a Famous Singer/Songwriter - The Band "Helix", the Band "Platinum Blonde", Bon Jovi, Rob Thomas (Matchbox 20). Bryan Adams, Justin Timberlake (jury is still out on that one, can I trust a drunk stranger in Vegas?), Mark Anthony, Jennifer Lopez, the boys from Calle.
- Adopt a Foster Child - it's never too late, right?
- Take Up the Drums - It is much too late for that.
- Climb Mt. Everest - yeah, right.
- Start a Charity - maybe someday.
- See an Aztec Temple - not yet.
- Invent Something - anything
- Become a Teacher - nope.
- Throw out the First Pitch at a MLB Game - sang O Canada at a Triple A Game
- Make My Parents Proud - I don't know if that's ever attainable (that's a different day, different blog)
- Be Very Rich - while I'm sure that at 17 I meant money, I have come to appreciate that richness comes in many different forms. (I suppose that's what everyone who isn't filthy rich says).
- Become cool - do we ever get to be cool?
- Become a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader - What was I thinking?
- Marry Someone Famous - I may have had enough brushes with famous to know I wouldn't have chosen any differently than I did for myself.
- Grow Breasts - Success!
- Become Pretty - I really hated how I looked at 17.
- Forgive Nicky D For Being Such a Bitch - Now that Nicky D is Nicky T, I can affirm that once a bitch, always a bitch and there's not much there to forgive. Apparently 19 years out of high school doesn't change much.
- Be Someone People Want to Be With....
Friday, September 3, 2010
"Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours" - Ayn Rand
It's not very often that I write with a specific person in mind. But today, if not by some request, I am writing a blog of retraction. Amanda (and you know who you are - and if you don't, it's not Amanda that I run with, but Amanda who needs to run with me) this one's for you.
Running sucks. I maintain my stance on this. The concept of running in one direction to turn around and run back still baffles me in logic alone. But here is why, despite my ridiculous dislike for running, I continue to hit the pavement.
Running actually works. There is actual physical success that comes from running. I will clarify to say that running is not my drug of choice (I think that's why god invented Malibu Rum (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malibu_Rum). I am never going to be the girl that gets excited at the thought of entering a race, or goes out for 36km runs every second day. That's just not me and maybe it's not you either, but that's okay - I am here to tell you that we don't need to be that person. We just need to commit to going out one or two days a week to get our "cardio on".
Since starting with JDFT I have run at least 10 times - scary, I know. The part that is even scarier, is that I have chosen to seek out Amanda (who is in charge of the running class), to ask her to run with me on days that aren't scheduled classes. In doing these runs, here is what I have accomplished:
1. I can now run 8km.
2. I can run for 10 minutes at a time (15 on my treadmill)
3. My cardio is vastly improved.
4. My ass is starting to look amazing.
5. My legs are starting to show visible muscle.
And those are only five reasons that I can come up with right now that tells me that despite not liking something, running is actually good for me. (I'm pretty sure someone told me that about Brussels sprouts - once).
So, Amanda, in writing my retraction/not retraction. I still don't like running, I don't get it, and sometimes my motivation to go is in the toilet, but I'm doing it, gratefully, because I sense there is some success behind it.
With that in mind, I am going to issue my first ever JDFT Challenge: "Amanda, I challenge you to run with me three times in the next two months."
It's not very often that I write with a specific person in mind. But today, if not by some request, I am writing a blog of retraction. Amanda (and you know who you are - and if you don't, it's not Amanda that I run with, but Amanda who needs to run with me) this one's for you.
Running sucks. I maintain my stance on this. The concept of running in one direction to turn around and run back still baffles me in logic alone. But here is why, despite my ridiculous dislike for running, I continue to hit the pavement.
Running actually works. There is actual physical success that comes from running. I will clarify to say that running is not my drug of choice (I think that's why god invented Malibu Rum (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malibu_Rum). I am never going to be the girl that gets excited at the thought of entering a race, or goes out for 36km runs every second day. That's just not me and maybe it's not you either, but that's okay - I am here to tell you that we don't need to be that person. We just need to commit to going out one or two days a week to get our "cardio on".
Since starting with JDFT I have run at least 10 times - scary, I know. The part that is even scarier, is that I have chosen to seek out Amanda (who is in charge of the running class), to ask her to run with me on days that aren't scheduled classes. In doing these runs, here is what I have accomplished:
1. I can now run 8km.
2. I can run for 10 minutes at a time (15 on my treadmill)
3. My cardio is vastly improved.
4. My ass is starting to look amazing.
5. My legs are starting to show visible muscle.
And those are only five reasons that I can come up with right now that tells me that despite not liking something, running is actually good for me. (I'm pretty sure someone told me that about Brussels sprouts - once).
So, Amanda, in writing my retraction/not retraction. I still don't like running, I don't get it, and sometimes my motivation to go is in the toilet, but I'm doing it, gratefully, because I sense there is some success behind it.
With that in mind, I am going to issue my first ever JDFT Challenge: "Amanda, I challenge you to run with me three times in the next two months."
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
“The size of your success is measured by the strength of your desire; the size of your dream; and how you handle disappointment along the way.” - Robert Kiyosaki
It is now official. There is no apparent medical reason for my weight gain. Despite placing all of my proverbial eggs in this basket it is now clear that the only solution is to work harder than I have been working to lose the weight that I want to lose.
This is disappointing in a way - not that I am looking for the "quick fix", but it would have maybe been hopeful to discover that there was a reason that I continued to gain weight, despite working out no less than 4 times a week for the last two months - which I will point out has already exceeded any record of consistently working out that I have ever held (save for cheerleading of course, but even that was only 2 days a week plus games).
Nonetheless, work harder, be more positive, stay focused, believe, live strong, just do it. Any other catch phrases I should be using?
It is now official. There is no apparent medical reason for my weight gain. Despite placing all of my proverbial eggs in this basket it is now clear that the only solution is to work harder than I have been working to lose the weight that I want to lose.
This is disappointing in a way - not that I am looking for the "quick fix", but it would have maybe been hopeful to discover that there was a reason that I continued to gain weight, despite working out no less than 4 times a week for the last two months - which I will point out has already exceeded any record of consistently working out that I have ever held (save for cheerleading of course, but even that was only 2 days a week plus games).
Nonetheless, work harder, be more positive, stay focused, believe, live strong, just do it. Any other catch phrases I should be using?
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
"Be what you are. This is the first step toward becoming better than you are." - Julius Charles Hare
I applied for a new job on the weekend. The job I applied for is the same job that my boss has, only 30 minutes in the other direction - so instead of being an employee, I would join her peer group.
This is a big step for me and I'll tell you why. For the last 18 years I have worked as an Administrative Professional (for you non-PC's - secretary). I have always wanted to do office work, in fact I started working in our school office when I was still in school. There is something that this many years later I still find rewarding about walking through the aisles at Staples and finding just the right sticky notes (don't ever buy the yellow ones). But more importantly, I have learned the inner workings of whatever business I have been in and become successful in supporting business owners, vice presidents, presidents, directors, CAO's, you name it. I didn't have to start at the bottom as a receptionist and work my way up. I started somewhere in the middle as a secretary working for the owner of a small oil and gas company. My experiences there set me on a very successful course. I have built an entire career on the concept that I would work harder than anyone to make my boss look good. I have always wanted to be in a position of knowledge visa vie authority without actually being in charge and, for the most part, I have managed to position myself that way.
So why this change? Why now? I don't know, bored maybe? Ready maybe? I think a little bit of both. I love the work I do, but I'm not particularly challenged by it. I have spent a lot of years working for some very dynamic individuals (and some slightly less than dynamic) and learned a lot about what kind of manager I want to be. I feel ready to take on a new challenge and see what comes from that.
Of course I'm really transparent about this sort of thing. I told my boss that I was going to apply for this new position....perhaps being transparent is only good for ghosts.
I applied for a new job on the weekend. The job I applied for is the same job that my boss has, only 30 minutes in the other direction - so instead of being an employee, I would join her peer group.
This is a big step for me and I'll tell you why. For the last 18 years I have worked as an Administrative Professional (for you non-PC's - secretary). I have always wanted to do office work, in fact I started working in our school office when I was still in school. There is something that this many years later I still find rewarding about walking through the aisles at Staples and finding just the right sticky notes (don't ever buy the yellow ones). But more importantly, I have learned the inner workings of whatever business I have been in and become successful in supporting business owners, vice presidents, presidents, directors, CAO's, you name it. I didn't have to start at the bottom as a receptionist and work my way up. I started somewhere in the middle as a secretary working for the owner of a small oil and gas company. My experiences there set me on a very successful course. I have built an entire career on the concept that I would work harder than anyone to make my boss look good. I have always wanted to be in a position of knowledge visa vie authority without actually being in charge and, for the most part, I have managed to position myself that way.
So why this change? Why now? I don't know, bored maybe? Ready maybe? I think a little bit of both. I love the work I do, but I'm not particularly challenged by it. I have spent a lot of years working for some very dynamic individuals (and some slightly less than dynamic) and learned a lot about what kind of manager I want to be. I feel ready to take on a new challenge and see what comes from that.
Of course I'm really transparent about this sort of thing. I told my boss that I was going to apply for this new position....perhaps being transparent is only good for ghosts.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." - Harvey Fierstein
It's been six days since my last post to you. I'm not even going to try and pretend that I meant to write or that I did write, or even try to catch up on each of the days in an each by each segment in this blog. You deserve better.
I've pretty much spent the last six days feeling sorry for myself. Yeah, I said it, the cheerleader has become depressed. When I was younger and I'd have a bad day, or an incident with one of my friends (as 12 year old girls are want to do from time to time), my mother would say "Oh my aren't we feeling sorry for ourselves!" (I'm not sure if she said "exclamation mark", but you have to imagine a highly ethereal waving of the arms into some nether place). Back then I never really thought I was feeling sorry for myself, but rather just feeling sad or bad about what was happening.
To this end I can truly say I have been depressed. Since starting at JDFT, I have actually gained weight. As of my weigh-in yesterday, I was 150.7 pounds. 150.7 pounds. 150.7 pounds. If anyone has been keeping track, that is an increase of 10.8 pounds. The good news is 3 of those pounds are muscle. The bad news is that leaves 7.8 unaccounted for pounds of ...FAT!
For you mathletes out there, let me explain how this works. One pound equals 3500 calories. 3500 calories. In order for me to have gained this 7.8 unaccounted for pounds of FAT I would have had to eat an additional 27,300 calories. 27,300 calories. Did you know that the average original Twinkie (http://www.hostesscakes.com/twinkies.asp) has 150 calories? That would mean that I would have to eat 182 Twinkies to gain the weight that I have gained.
Further to this, I have been working out 6 days a week. Thanks to Jo Dumont, of Jo Dumont Fitness Training my training schedule looks something like this:
Monday Training - 700 calories
Tuesday Circuit - 500 calories
Wednesday Hardcore - 700 calories
Thursday Running - 700 calories
Friday Hardcore - 700 calories
Sunday Running - 600 calories
That is 3900 hundred calories burned through exercise. If we only need to burn 3500 calories to burn a pound - how in the world am I gaining weight?!
So, as you all know, I had gone in to see a doctor. I didn't actually start seeing the doctor about my weight gain. I actually went to see the doctor in response to what presented as a bladder infection. The reason we found out about this bladder infection was because my period was late and I'd been peeing in a cup faithfully every Monday for about a month. ANYWAY, I digress. The bladder infection really wasn't a bladder infection at all, but what it did alert the physician to was that I was feeling pretty crappy, tired, achy a bunch of things, so he sent me in for blood work.
The results of the blood work indicated that I was hypokalemic. What is hypokalemic you ask? Well thanks to the wonders of Wikipedia I can tell you that Hypokalemia (American English), hypokalaemia (British English), or hypopotassemia (ICD-9) refers to the condition in which the concentration of potassium (K+) in the blood is low. The prefix hypo- means "under" (contrast with hyper-, meaning "over"); kal- refers to kalium, the Neo-Latin for potassium, and -emia means "condition of the blood."
In short, the blood tests indicated that I was very very low in potassium. Why is this important you might ask? With thanks to Three Fat Chicks on a Diet (http://www.3fatchicks.com/), I can tell you this: "Potassium helps you lose weight by converting food into energy and assisting to build muscles. The bigger and stronger your muscles are, the more calories they burn. With a healthy intake of potassium, your muscles will get bigger, and in turn, burn more calories. By helping you build bigger muscles, and by providing the energy you need to exercise, potassium is a dieter’s dream mineral! Keep up your potassium levels, and your muscles will overtake your fat in no time! Potassium also helps you balance the sodium in your cells, which helps with weight loss and provides other health benefits including reducing your risk of high blood pressure."
Now, I'm not saying that my lack of potassium has ANYTHING to do with the weight that I've gained, but at least I'm feeling somewhat hopeful that by getting on these wonderful potassium tablets and eating more potassium rich foods, that we can finally break that barrier of weight gain and turn it into a weight loss!
You'll forgive me if I don't celebrate until I'm at least back at my starting weight.
Goal weight - 125 pounds. Pounds to go - 25. ugh.
It's been six days since my last post to you. I'm not even going to try and pretend that I meant to write or that I did write, or even try to catch up on each of the days in an each by each segment in this blog. You deserve better.
I've pretty much spent the last six days feeling sorry for myself. Yeah, I said it, the cheerleader has become depressed. When I was younger and I'd have a bad day, or an incident with one of my friends (as 12 year old girls are want to do from time to time), my mother would say "Oh my aren't we feeling sorry for ourselves!" (I'm not sure if she said "exclamation mark", but you have to imagine a highly ethereal waving of the arms into some nether place). Back then I never really thought I was feeling sorry for myself, but rather just feeling sad or bad about what was happening.
To this end I can truly say I have been depressed. Since starting at JDFT, I have actually gained weight. As of my weigh-in yesterday, I was 150.7 pounds. 150.7 pounds. 150.7 pounds. If anyone has been keeping track, that is an increase of 10.8 pounds. The good news is 3 of those pounds are muscle. The bad news is that leaves 7.8 unaccounted for pounds of ...FAT!
For you mathletes out there, let me explain how this works. One pound equals 3500 calories. 3500 calories. In order for me to have gained this 7.8 unaccounted for pounds of FAT I would have had to eat an additional 27,300 calories. 27,300 calories. Did you know that the average original Twinkie (http://www.hostesscakes.com/twinkies.asp) has 150 calories? That would mean that I would have to eat 182 Twinkies to gain the weight that I have gained.
Further to this, I have been working out 6 days a week. Thanks to Jo Dumont, of Jo Dumont Fitness Training my training schedule looks something like this:
Monday Training - 700 calories
Tuesday Circuit - 500 calories
Wednesday Hardcore - 700 calories
Thursday Running - 700 calories
Friday Hardcore - 700 calories
Sunday Running - 600 calories
That is 3900 hundred calories burned through exercise. If we only need to burn 3500 calories to burn a pound - how in the world am I gaining weight?!
So, as you all know, I had gone in to see a doctor. I didn't actually start seeing the doctor about my weight gain. I actually went to see the doctor in response to what presented as a bladder infection. The reason we found out about this bladder infection was because my period was late and I'd been peeing in a cup faithfully every Monday for about a month. ANYWAY, I digress. The bladder infection really wasn't a bladder infection at all, but what it did alert the physician to was that I was feeling pretty crappy, tired, achy a bunch of things, so he sent me in for blood work.
The results of the blood work indicated that I was hypokalemic. What is hypokalemic you ask? Well thanks to the wonders of Wikipedia I can tell you that Hypokalemia (American English), hypokalaemia (British English), or hypopotassemia (ICD-9) refers to the condition in which the concentration of potassium (K+) in the blood is low. The prefix hypo- means "under" (contrast with hyper-, meaning "over"); kal- refers to kalium, the Neo-Latin for potassium, and -emia means "condition of the blood."
In short, the blood tests indicated that I was very very low in potassium. Why is this important you might ask? With thanks to Three Fat Chicks on a Diet (http://www.3fatchicks.com/), I can tell you this: "Potassium helps you lose weight by converting food into energy and assisting to build muscles. The bigger and stronger your muscles are, the more calories they burn. With a healthy intake of potassium, your muscles will get bigger, and in turn, burn more calories. By helping you build bigger muscles, and by providing the energy you need to exercise, potassium is a dieter’s dream mineral! Keep up your potassium levels, and your muscles will overtake your fat in no time! Potassium also helps you balance the sodium in your cells, which helps with weight loss and provides other health benefits including reducing your risk of high blood pressure."
Now, I'm not saying that my lack of potassium has ANYTHING to do with the weight that I've gained, but at least I'm feeling somewhat hopeful that by getting on these wonderful potassium tablets and eating more potassium rich foods, that we can finally break that barrier of weight gain and turn it into a weight loss!
You'll forgive me if I don't celebrate until I'm at least back at my starting weight.
Goal weight - 125 pounds. Pounds to go - 25. ugh.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
"What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want". - Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960
It's official. Today I broke 150lbs. I am devestated. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. For the last month and a half I have worked out, eaten better than I have in my life, and all I have to show for it is a new wardrobe of stretchy clothes since the other ones don't fit.
It's a scary thing, watching those numbers climb up. I want to believe that it's all muscle, but we all know that's not true. So what is going on?
I saw my doctor the other day, not really related to the increase in weight, but now I'm starting to feel like it might be symptom. I really need to not self-diagnose since everything the internet tells me is that it may be kidney related. In any case, my doctor sent me for a bunch of blood tests and we'll see what comes from that.
Faith, right?
It's official. Today I broke 150lbs. I am devestated. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. For the last month and a half I have worked out, eaten better than I have in my life, and all I have to show for it is a new wardrobe of stretchy clothes since the other ones don't fit.
It's a scary thing, watching those numbers climb up. I want to believe that it's all muscle, but we all know that's not true. So what is going on?
I saw my doctor the other day, not really related to the increase in weight, but now I'm starting to feel like it might be symptom. I really need to not self-diagnose since everything the internet tells me is that it may be kidney related. In any case, my doctor sent me for a bunch of blood tests and we'll see what comes from that.
Faith, right?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
“Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.” - Author Unknown
I'm a little frustrated today. Maybe cranky. I am having a difficult time trying to decide what emotion I'm toying with that doesn't make me sound like a big baby.
I am a classic over achiever. Generally speaking I am successful at whatever I put my mind to which is why I have been so excited about this renewed effort at eating better, working out and spending time at Jo Dumont Fitness Training. So it should come as a bit of a surprise to anyone that I've gained 8 pounds since starting at JDFT and that contrary to what I'd like to believe, it's not all muscle. I think it is really important at this point to state affirmatively that I don't believe that this weight that I appear to be unable to shake has anything to do with JDFT because there are scores of success stories that come out of JDFT. I plan to become one of those success stories.
I know and acknowledge outright that I have not eaten well the last few days. It's not that I have eaten bad food, but I haven't been feeling well and so I have not eaten as much as I probably should. I actually went to the doctor yesterday who sent me to the lab today to get blood work done - cholesterol, B12, thyroid, everything, all over something that presents like a bladder infection without high nitrates. So maybe some of this is chemical?
Because I had to fast for 10 - 12 hours prior to getting blood work done, Jo told me that I'm not to workout today. I have to admit that I emotionally took that the wrong way when she first said it, but I understand where it comes from and why that would be important today. If my car has no fuel I can't go anywhere, so why would it be different if my body has no fuel?
All I know for sure is that the energy I first had when I started eating more isn't there anymore and I'm frustrated and disappointed that I can't seem to start losing weight, which was sort of the whole point of the exercise. Lose weight, gain muscle. I appear to be in the gain/gain portion and it doesn't feel like a win/win.
I'm a little frustrated today. Maybe cranky. I am having a difficult time trying to decide what emotion I'm toying with that doesn't make me sound like a big baby.
I am a classic over achiever. Generally speaking I am successful at whatever I put my mind to which is why I have been so excited about this renewed effort at eating better, working out and spending time at Jo Dumont Fitness Training. So it should come as a bit of a surprise to anyone that I've gained 8 pounds since starting at JDFT and that contrary to what I'd like to believe, it's not all muscle. I think it is really important at this point to state affirmatively that I don't believe that this weight that I appear to be unable to shake has anything to do with JDFT because there are scores of success stories that come out of JDFT. I plan to become one of those success stories.
I know and acknowledge outright that I have not eaten well the last few days. It's not that I have eaten bad food, but I haven't been feeling well and so I have not eaten as much as I probably should. I actually went to the doctor yesterday who sent me to the lab today to get blood work done - cholesterol, B12, thyroid, everything, all over something that presents like a bladder infection without high nitrates. So maybe some of this is chemical?
Because I had to fast for 10 - 12 hours prior to getting blood work done, Jo told me that I'm not to workout today. I have to admit that I emotionally took that the wrong way when she first said it, but I understand where it comes from and why that would be important today. If my car has no fuel I can't go anywhere, so why would it be different if my body has no fuel?
All I know for sure is that the energy I first had when I started eating more isn't there anymore and I'm frustrated and disappointed that I can't seem to start losing weight, which was sort of the whole point of the exercise. Lose weight, gain muscle. I appear to be in the gain/gain portion and it doesn't feel like a win/win.
Monday, August 23, 2010
“Not everything that is faced can be changed. But nothing can be changed until it is faced.” - James Arthur Baldwin
Today was a Personal Training Day with Jo over at Jo Dumont Fitness Training. Have I mentioned how much I love the one-on-one training? Don't get me wrong, the classes are also great, but there is something just extra challenging about the personal classes.
The workout today was shoulders and abs. My shoulders really need the help. After dislocating my right shoulder 15 months ago I have not done very much in terms of exercise or rehabilitation. I should mention that I never had great shoulders in the first place and for the first time in my life I can actually see muscles - thanks to Jo!
Part of the workout today also included balance. As a former cheerleader you would think that balance would be easy (imagine, my standing on one foot on someone else's hand), however, it's not. I attribute this to now having breasts which were conspicuously absent from my cheat throughout my cheerleading years (god bless electrical tape) - but I digress. Balance - something new to work on. Go figure.
Today was a Personal Training Day with Jo over at Jo Dumont Fitness Training. Have I mentioned how much I love the one-on-one training? Don't get me wrong, the classes are also great, but there is something just extra challenging about the personal classes.
The workout today was shoulders and abs. My shoulders really need the help. After dislocating my right shoulder 15 months ago I have not done very much in terms of exercise or rehabilitation. I should mention that I never had great shoulders in the first place and for the first time in my life I can actually see muscles - thanks to Jo!
Part of the workout today also included balance. As a former cheerleader you would think that balance would be easy (imagine, my standing on one foot on someone else's hand), however, it's not. I attribute this to now having breasts which were conspicuously absent from my cheat throughout my cheerleading years (god bless electrical tape) - but I digress. Balance - something new to work on. Go figure.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Sunday, August 22, 2010
"If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies." - Author Unknown
So, I totally missed posting on Saturday so I thought I would give you a bit of a weekend re-cap.
First, a big Hell Yeah to Jo Dumont Fitness Training and Jase Nibourg (http://www.myspace.com/jase_nibourg) for putting on an awesome Kid Safe and Women's Self Defense class this past weekend. It was a great class and I learned a lot! For those bloggers that don't know, my daughter is now able to yell at the top of her lungs "Stranger, Danger, 911!" even if it's just her and I in an aisle of a grocery store. I could never be prouder. I think the women who attended in the evening got a lot of out it as well.
For me, I spent the evening with a woman I don't know very well, but our daughters go to the same school. It was a wonderful opportunity to step outside my box and get to know someone while they were throwing me to the ground. Thanks for that, Jacquie!
Today, despite being a little sore and tired from yesterday, I did manage to run five kilometers. It was hard though since I didn't have much fuel in me. I have not been feeling very well, but don't want to have excuses not to train. So, I stumbled through a crappy run, but I got it done.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I need a good workout, it's been a few days and I feel like I'm cheating on myself somehow. That's a whole other level of guilt....
So, I totally missed posting on Saturday so I thought I would give you a bit of a weekend re-cap.
First, a big Hell Yeah to Jo Dumont Fitness Training and Jase Nibourg (http://www.myspace.com/jase_nibourg) for putting on an awesome Kid Safe and Women's Self Defense class this past weekend. It was a great class and I learned a lot! For those bloggers that don't know, my daughter is now able to yell at the top of her lungs "Stranger, Danger, 911!" even if it's just her and I in an aisle of a grocery store. I could never be prouder. I think the women who attended in the evening got a lot of out it as well.
For me, I spent the evening with a woman I don't know very well, but our daughters go to the same school. It was a wonderful opportunity to step outside my box and get to know someone while they were throwing me to the ground. Thanks for that, Jacquie!
Today, despite being a little sore and tired from yesterday, I did manage to run five kilometers. It was hard though since I didn't have much fuel in me. I have not been feeling very well, but don't want to have excuses not to train. So, I stumbled through a crappy run, but I got it done.
I'm looking forward to tomorrow. I need a good workout, it's been a few days and I feel like I'm cheating on myself somehow. That's a whole other level of guilt....
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
"The best things in life are unexpected - because there were no expectations." - Eli Khamarov
Oh my god do I feel like shit. I can't begin to explain how absolutely shitty I feel today. I swear to god, there is a rock in my stomach, bouncing up and down saying "die, Bitch, die".
Now this is obviously not true, rocks can't talk.
But it's true, for the first time in a month and half where I am finally living cleaner, I have hit a roadblock. My stomach hurts and I don't want to eat, infact the very notion of food makes me feel like throwing up! What in the world is wrong with me?
Today I have eaten a piece of toast with peanut butter, nearly threw it up, and that's about it.
God, I feel like shit.
Oh my god do I feel like shit. I can't begin to explain how absolutely shitty I feel today. I swear to god, there is a rock in my stomach, bouncing up and down saying "die, Bitch, die".
Now this is obviously not true, rocks can't talk.
But it's true, for the first time in a month and half where I am finally living cleaner, I have hit a roadblock. My stomach hurts and I don't want to eat, infact the very notion of food makes me feel like throwing up! What in the world is wrong with me?
Today I have eaten a piece of toast with peanut butter, nearly threw it up, and that's about it.
God, I feel like shit.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
“There may be a great fire in our soul, yet no one ever comes to warm himself at it, and the passers-by see only a wisp of smoke.” - Vincent Van Gogh
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire - or at least the entire interior of British Columbia. There is so much smoke, I can hardly see my hand infront of my face - and I live in Alberta! I have never seen anything so crazy in my life.
Needless to say, running class was out unless Amanda was prepared to carry the oxygen tank with her. It's bad enough that I had to use my inhaler like a Pez dispenser (http://www.pez.com/). I can't even imagine what THAT run would have looked like.
There is a lot of worry for me when I ponder breaking routine, missing a class, not following through...the fear is that if I make an excuse not to go, that the ability to make those excuses will become easier - how many days till working out becomes a habit?
The bright side of all of this of course, is that JDFT was completely accommodating to my situation. Amanda texted me, asking if I was going for a run and I replied no, but that I wanted to come in for a workout. There wasn't one in the plan, but they let me come in and workout. We did this amazing 20 minute "circuit on speed" and apart from some slip-ups from not knowing the actual exercise, I was able to complete the circuit. Then just for fun, I ran some steps.
I am so glad that I have found JDFT.
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire - or at least the entire interior of British Columbia. There is so much smoke, I can hardly see my hand infront of my face - and I live in Alberta! I have never seen anything so crazy in my life.
Needless to say, running class was out unless Amanda was prepared to carry the oxygen tank with her. It's bad enough that I had to use my inhaler like a Pez dispenser (http://www.pez.com/). I can't even imagine what THAT run would have looked like.
There is a lot of worry for me when I ponder breaking routine, missing a class, not following through...the fear is that if I make an excuse not to go, that the ability to make those excuses will become easier - how many days till working out becomes a habit?
The bright side of all of this of course, is that JDFT was completely accommodating to my situation. Amanda texted me, asking if I was going for a run and I replied no, but that I wanted to come in for a workout. There wasn't one in the plan, but they let me come in and workout. We did this amazing 20 minute "circuit on speed" and apart from some slip-ups from not knowing the actual exercise, I was able to complete the circuit. Then just for fun, I ran some steps.
I am so glad that I have found JDFT.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
"O wad some Power the giftie give us, to see ourselves as others see us!" - Robert Burns
I first read this quote in an Archie Comic Book. (http://www.archiecomics.com/) I know that at the time it had something to do with how Archie viewed himself in the mirror and how his reflection looked nothing like how the rest of his Gang saw him. In fact, he saw this huge buff guy, and we all know that is not how Archie was made up.
It makes me wonder though, how many times we look in our mirror and see EXACTLY how everyone else sees us. I am going to speculate that we never see ourselves the way that others see us.
Today I did Hardcore and then followed it up with a Circuit class (because I had nothing better to do than exercise tonight). While training, Jo made a comment about how we all had great looking calves. I scoffed and suggested that wasn't the case and Jo said "your calves are on the back of your legs, you can't even see them!"
Little does Jo know, and even if she does know it should come as no surprise, that I check out my body on a daily basis, looking for shreds of change that remind me that all of this working out and effort is worth doing. Inasmuch as I see some really awesome changes (are those little abs poking out? Can I really do Left/Right Burpees? Hello Mrs. Bicep....), I still see so many things that aren't how I think they should be. But, every night, I stand on the stool in front of my bed and turn and look at myself in the mirror and I know that I don't see what others see. That mommy tummy that never looks like it's getting smaller, that my ass doesn't seem quite as tight as I'd like it to be, my thighs need to be smaller, is that a wrinkle?
I think that part of change comes with the strange acceptance that our bodies and minds are constantly changing, that there are some shapes that we are never going to be (unless barbie makes a version that is 5'3" with small boobs and big thighs). But I don't need to be that shape, I can look athletic, be fit and be toned and be really really okay with that.
I'm just not there yet. Oh wad some Power giftie give me, muscled thighs and an ass that won't quit.
I first read this quote in an Archie Comic Book. (http://www.archiecomics.com/) I know that at the time it had something to do with how Archie viewed himself in the mirror and how his reflection looked nothing like how the rest of his Gang saw him. In fact, he saw this huge buff guy, and we all know that is not how Archie was made up.
It makes me wonder though, how many times we look in our mirror and see EXACTLY how everyone else sees us. I am going to speculate that we never see ourselves the way that others see us.
Today I did Hardcore and then followed it up with a Circuit class (because I had nothing better to do than exercise tonight). While training, Jo made a comment about how we all had great looking calves. I scoffed and suggested that wasn't the case and Jo said "your calves are on the back of your legs, you can't even see them!"
Little does Jo know, and even if she does know it should come as no surprise, that I check out my body on a daily basis, looking for shreds of change that remind me that all of this working out and effort is worth doing. Inasmuch as I see some really awesome changes (are those little abs poking out? Can I really do Left/Right Burpees? Hello Mrs. Bicep....), I still see so many things that aren't how I think they should be. But, every night, I stand on the stool in front of my bed and turn and look at myself in the mirror and I know that I don't see what others see. That mommy tummy that never looks like it's getting smaller, that my ass doesn't seem quite as tight as I'd like it to be, my thighs need to be smaller, is that a wrinkle?
I think that part of change comes with the strange acceptance that our bodies and minds are constantly changing, that there are some shapes that we are never going to be (unless barbie makes a version that is 5'3" with small boobs and big thighs). But I don't need to be that shape, I can look athletic, be fit and be toned and be really really okay with that.
I'm just not there yet. Oh wad some Power giftie give me, muscled thighs and an ass that won't quit.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
"All this pressure is eating me up inside
And I feel like I'm being buried alive again
All this pressure is tearing me up inside
And the fear of failing is on my mind again
The anxiety is building up inside
And the thought of losing is running strong again." - Rains "Pressure"
I am afraid of very few things: Bees, Wasps, Big Ugly Beetles and Failure.
I have grown accustomed to the concept that Failure is not an option for me and it actually scares me to think I might fail at something. This applies to my work environment, my personal life, and even to me personally.
Born a class over-achiever, my first taste of failure came in sixth grade when I failed a geography test (never mind that by gender alone I'm not supposed to be able to read a map!). What a devastating thing to go through. Honor roll student can't find Japan on a map (don't ask I probably still can't find it). But the idea of disappointing my parents, bringing home something less than a perfect score was horrifying.
Flash forward to university. Honor roll student that wasn't ready to go to university, succumbs to pressure to go be brilliant. When I withdrew a semester and a half later, I viewed it as a failure, disappointing my parents, letting myself down. I cried for an entire night contemplating the decision and when I finally made it, went down to the Dean's office signed the papers and exhaled, I actually felt better.
What I realized in that small moment was that I wasn't really living life for me, instead I was living life to please others. I wasn't really failing me, I had lived in this belief that I was failing me and others when in fact, the pressure to be something that I didn't want to be was crushing to the point I couldn't breathe and until I "chose" to do something that I wanted to do and started living life on my own terms, could I truly exhale.
I still fight the fear of failure. I have a need to be the very best at everything that I do. It's hard for me when I face a situation at work where someone doesn't see things my way, or insists on micromanaging me. The idea that when I don't meet someone else's expectations I somehow have failed - when in fact the problem may not even be me at all.
I wonder sometimes if my desire to be pleasing sometimes leads to this fear of failing? But then I would be dissatisfied if I did less than my very best just to please someone else.
A friend once explained to me about spheres of influence and spheres of control. Spheres of influence are those areas that you are not directly in control of, but have powers and abilities to affect change. Spheres of control are those things you have direct control over. If there is something that occurs anywhere else between these two spheres, my job is to just smile until someone tells me otherwise.
I feel like I've been smiling alot lately.
Circuit Tonight!
And I feel like I'm being buried alive again
All this pressure is tearing me up inside
And the fear of failing is on my mind again
The anxiety is building up inside
And the thought of losing is running strong again." - Rains "Pressure"
I am afraid of very few things: Bees, Wasps, Big Ugly Beetles and Failure.
I have grown accustomed to the concept that Failure is not an option for me and it actually scares me to think I might fail at something. This applies to my work environment, my personal life, and even to me personally.
Born a class over-achiever, my first taste of failure came in sixth grade when I failed a geography test (never mind that by gender alone I'm not supposed to be able to read a map!). What a devastating thing to go through. Honor roll student can't find Japan on a map (don't ask I probably still can't find it). But the idea of disappointing my parents, bringing home something less than a perfect score was horrifying.
Flash forward to university. Honor roll student that wasn't ready to go to university, succumbs to pressure to go be brilliant. When I withdrew a semester and a half later, I viewed it as a failure, disappointing my parents, letting myself down. I cried for an entire night contemplating the decision and when I finally made it, went down to the Dean's office signed the papers and exhaled, I actually felt better.
What I realized in that small moment was that I wasn't really living life for me, instead I was living life to please others. I wasn't really failing me, I had lived in this belief that I was failing me and others when in fact, the pressure to be something that I didn't want to be was crushing to the point I couldn't breathe and until I "chose" to do something that I wanted to do and started living life on my own terms, could I truly exhale.
I still fight the fear of failure. I have a need to be the very best at everything that I do. It's hard for me when I face a situation at work where someone doesn't see things my way, or insists on micromanaging me. The idea that when I don't meet someone else's expectations I somehow have failed - when in fact the problem may not even be me at all.
I wonder sometimes if my desire to be pleasing sometimes leads to this fear of failing? But then I would be dissatisfied if I did less than my very best just to please someone else.
A friend once explained to me about spheres of influence and spheres of control. Spheres of influence are those areas that you are not directly in control of, but have powers and abilities to affect change. Spheres of control are those things you have direct control over. If there is something that occurs anywhere else between these two spheres, my job is to just smile until someone tells me otherwise.
I feel like I've been smiling alot lately.
Circuit Tonight!
Monday, August 16, 2010
"Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional." - M. Kathleen Casey
I was thinking about age and it's relevance today after a good talk with my friend and personal trainer Jo Dumont. I had been noticing that certain areas of my body hurt is strange and new and wonderful ways. While the pain in my left knee wasn't new, the pain in my right ankle was.
The injuries that I sustained to these body parts were many years ago. The knee that got torqued the wrong way, the ankle that had been broken, far from memory now, suddenly rearing their head as I started using those parts of my body again, in running, and working out. It got me thinking that these injuries didn't plague me through my young adult years, I bounced back from both of these injuries rather handily, so why are they bugging me now.
So I started thinking about change, and to change something now also means a change to something that you've done in the past and you need to get in there and root around and dig things up. Maybe physiological change is a lot the same way. You've got to dig back to those old injuries that you ignored before, give them the attention they deserve and make them stronger, so that you too are made stronger.
I wonder if that's true?
I was thinking about age and it's relevance today after a good talk with my friend and personal trainer Jo Dumont. I had been noticing that certain areas of my body hurt is strange and new and wonderful ways. While the pain in my left knee wasn't new, the pain in my right ankle was.
The injuries that I sustained to these body parts were many years ago. The knee that got torqued the wrong way, the ankle that had been broken, far from memory now, suddenly rearing their head as I started using those parts of my body again, in running, and working out. It got me thinking that these injuries didn't plague me through my young adult years, I bounced back from both of these injuries rather handily, so why are they bugging me now.
So I started thinking about change, and to change something now also means a change to something that you've done in the past and you need to get in there and root around and dig things up. Maybe physiological change is a lot the same way. You've got to dig back to those old injuries that you ignored before, give them the attention they deserve and make them stronger, so that you too are made stronger.
I wonder if that's true?
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